rX

Home Sweet Home.

2011-06-19T23:50:00.001+01:00

I've neglected writing on here for a long, long time. Life has been blissfully happy lately and I've not really felt the need to write. I've also been looking back on my older posts and feel a totally different person to who I was when I first started writing my thoughts and feelings on the internet.

So what's changed to make me write again?

Absolutely nothing. A lot of the people whose blogs I used to read, who used to read mine have disappeared off the radar. Nobody Girl, Divorce and Onwards, Tui, to name but a few who have all but vanished. Lippy Lipstick Lawyer, London Cokehead, they're gone too. And I disappeared for a while, over a yea in fact. But now I'M BACK!!

So what's new in the life of rX? Well I finally got my own flat, with my very own boy-toy to go with it. He doesn't know that I like to pour my heart out to the internet. We moved into our little home in January and it's been wonderful. Not even the leaky ceiling and draughty windows can dampen my spirit! Living here with him is wonderful, it's great not being anyone's dirty little secret and I actually like being a little housewife. I bake cakes and make bread, wash his shirts and nag him to hoover the stairs. I love it!

I am now a waitress at a very posh fine dining restaurant, all white tablecloths, putting the plates the right way in front of customers and wearing gloves to lay tables. I've really started to feel comfortable in my own skin in this job. It's taken a long time but I think I've finally settled.

I'm totally clean and have been for nearly two years now. The strongest thing to pass there lips nowadays is a cheeky mojito. I don't need chemical smiles anymore, I've got real ones where the chemicals used to be :)

No more sad girl- I'm back and better than ever :)

♥ ♥ ♥

2010-05-11T15:41:00.002+01:00

'When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you...
When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.'

James Frey - A Million Little Pieces

I feel like I've been truly blessed, I've been given a second chance at happiness. I've held on with both hands and I wont let go easily. It took him time to realise what he wanted but I couldn't ask for a more kind and caring, sensitive man. He treats me like a princess.

That's not to say we haven't had bad times as well as the good. There have been some god awful times, but they've always been resolved. I'm a big believer in forgive and forget. Maybe that'll be my downfall one day... we shall have to wait and see.

Right now I'm content, that's all that matters. Another 6 months of saving and I'll be moving in to my own place.

Leaving the 'main' job and just working at the pub was the best thing I ever did. I used to work a 40 hour week and earn extra at the the pub- it was always 'me' time, more socialising than work. I never considered it as a job, just fun. See, now I'm only working there I feel like I've not got a job, I feel like I'm on a constant holiday. Amazing. Me and S work together quite a lot now, I think we're being primed for moving in to management. We'll see what happens there.

I've not really got much news. Life is good :)

What I want, what I need.

2010-03-29T15:13:00.008+01:00

1. Visit Antarctica. I want to go to the only place on earth that belongs to no one.

2. Own my own house. I'm such a home girl at heart! I want it all, two kids, a dog, baking my own bread. Just a place of my own would be a start, I'm so sick of sharing with virtual strangers. I want a huge kitchen, a garden with cherry blossom, a house full of things.. I've got it all planned out already.

3. Do a summer of festivals. Me and S are planning on doing Bestival in September, money permitting, but it's not enough!! I want a summer of freedom.. next year, definitely.

4. Travel. A friend hitch hiked to Morocco last year and said it was the best thing she's ever done. I'd love to just give up everything, start walking and see where I end up.

5. Decide what I want to do when I grow up. Sick of working dead end jobs but still have NO idea what I want to do with my life.

6. Move back to South Africa. I need to be back there. There's a fuck of a lot of red tape and debt between me and home.

It's not a lot is it? Simple things keep me happy. I like simple. Simple doesn't hurt, simple doesn't make me cry. Complicated makes it feel like your body is breaking in to a thousand little pieces, like your heart is disconnected from your body, like you've been smashed with a sledgehammer.

No fairytale conclusion, y'all.

2010-03-29T10:10:00.005+01:00

Me and S, we split up and I felt like my world was falling apart all over again. He'd helped me through everything and suddenly things went weird. Very very fucking weird. He'd not answer his phone, not turn up when he was meant to. And yet. Things were still very very normal when we were together.

I got sick of it, I sent him a text that simply said 'I think we should call it a day' and all I got in reply? 'I think you're right.'

I had left the new job and swapped it for full time at the pub where we both work before it was all over and working was difficult, people constantly asking how me and S were, having to explain every time that we'd split up.

And then.

He went missing. No one saw him or heard from him for a week, people were asking me if I'd seen him, I hadn't, I was too scared to call him cause I knew how I'd feel if he didn't pick up. Worried and scared for a week, he called me a week after he'd gone missing. He said, I need to talk to you, can I come to you, there's so much I need to say. Against my better judgement, I said yes, come here, explain what happened because I still don't understand?

In the time apart, not a word had been spoken between us, no desperate phone calls, nothing of the kind.

He was sober, he said he wanted to talk. I told myself I wouldn't cry: I did. We spent a week talking, we laughed, cried, slept, ate, watched films, got drunk together. The only time we spent apart was while I was at work, measly 4 hour shifts, it was like we were on holiday, drunk on each other, love-drunk.

When he disappeared.. the reason, he had been hit by a car, he was a bloody bruised mess, he lay in bed for a week, barely able to move. He said, all I wanted was for you to be there looking after me but I was too scared to make the call, too scared you'd say no. He said, when we finished I thought it was what I wanted, I'd spent so long looking for my ideal girl and you just weren't who was in my mind.. It was only when it was over I realised just how much I wanted you, needed you, there was something missing from my life when you weren't there, and that something was you. We joke that getting knocked over might have knocked some sense in to him, but it's no laughing matter.. I nearly lost him. He's back now. I'm so truly happy :)

This years inspiration.

2010-02-21T16:26:00.009Z

It's time for a new start. He died, I mourned, I cried every night and I still do. This needs to stop. It's almost like rebranding myself, you know?

I've a new job andi've also left the pub I was working in. They helped me when I needed it, they let me work every hour I needed to so I could avoid the memories, but I need to go home. I need to put the tears to bed and dig out the smiles and the laughter.

There is a new man too. Bet you weren't anticipating that one. Me and S, we've known each other since I started at the pub just after the boy died. He has held my hand through the tears and always been my listening ear and my comforting shoulder. I wouldn't say I am falling for him, it is too soon for that, for either of us.

He is a man who is older than me. He has ben burnt badly by women in his past. He is scared to commit and wants to take this thing slowly. That's fine by me, because so do I. One day, we will be serious. I know it like I know my own name. It's not something we will talk about, or even think about consciously. But it will happen. One day I will roll over in bed, turn over, look at him, and I will know.

There are sometimes more tears than smiles, but then isn't that the case with every relationship, new or old?

I am being treated like a princess and my heart is healing. He holds my hand, cooks my dinner, holds me close every chance that he gets. I push him away sometimes, I seem to have this notion that everyone I love will die and so I push him away, I cry and he holds me, sobs racking my body as he tells me it's ok, he wont leave, that one day I'll feel better. I'm starting to believe him.

I'm moving forward with my life and there is a smile on my face a lot more than there was last time I posted on here. I needed a break from thinking about how I was feeling and three months on I am starting to be able to think again. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The 5 steps of grieg. I'd say I'm between depression and acceptance.

I'm getting there. 2010 is the year.

Grass stains, dresses, bare knees, sunglasses, blue sky.. heatwaves, sunshades, drinking all night, water fights...roll on summer :)

Funeral Blues

2009-11-15T11:51:00.001Z

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message, He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

It's time to stop thinking like this; He is gone, I am here, I need to move forward.

I miss him, but it's time.

A lot can happen in two years.

2009-11-09T19:27:00.003Z

Look back two years and you'll see I wanted to be a nurse. I always did, I always have. I was moving towards it and I fucked up majorly. I fell in love with a man who captured my heart and my head all at once. I couldn't do it, something had to give so I dropped out of my foundation course at university.
I thought I'd thrown everything down the drain, he was gone, my dreams had gone, suddenly my future had fallen around my feet, shattered, irrepairable.

Two years on. Me and that man, we were on and off, on and off, on and off. We were nearly on again when he killed himself. It's been nearly two months and the pain is still red raw, burning tears, crying myself to sleep, can't watch TV, can't listen to the radio, can't see my friends in case I see or hear about love.

Me and that man, we might not have been the steadiest of relationships but then nothing easy was ever worth as much to me. Me and that man, we nearly had a baby until my body killed it. Can you blame us for falling apart? Me and that man, it was blissful happiness, it was mothercare, it was 'we need to get a place together,' it was 'I've given myself to you, whole and unbroken,' it was 'I always loved you even after what happened,' it was tragic, it was incredible, it was heartbreaking.

Two years on, two months on, I'm doing what he always urged me to do. I'm following my dreams, I'm not letting it pull me down. I'm living that old cliche- each day like it's my last.

Be proud of me baby, wherever you are... are you and beanie together? I hope so. He'll be safe with you.
Be proud of me baby. I'm going back to school, like you urged me to do. I was scared but when you went I realised... no one gets a second chance.

Be proud of me, wherever you are.

2009-10-25T17:29:00.002Z

"At slow speed we all seem focused
In motion we seem wrong
In summer we can taste the rain

I want you to be free
Don't worry about me
And just like the movies
We play out our last scene

Two can play this game
We both want power
In winter we can taste the pain

In our short years, we come long way
To treat it bad and throw away

I want you to be free
Don't worry about me
And just like the movies
We play out our last scene

You won't cry, I won't scream
In our short years we come long way

To treat it bad and throw away
And if we make a little space

A science fiction showcase
In our short film, a love disgrace
Dream a scene to brighten face
In our short years we come long way
To treat it bad, just to throw it away

I want you to be free
Don't worry about me
And just like the movies
We play out our last scene
You won't cry, I won't scream"
Alien Ant Farm - Movies

I was meant to meet you on the Friday, you died on the Wednesday. We were going to try again, see if we could make it work. I always thought we were made for each other. Circumstances pulled us apart but now we'll only ever be together in my dreams. I fall in love with you over again, every time i think of you.

Did you do it on purpose? They never found a note. Was it the first time you'd experimented? You never did it before. You told me off for it. I never needed them when we were together. You were the only high I needed.

I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. I miss you more by the day.

I've thought a lot about life since you left. I know it's not a dress rehearsal, you never know when you'll be gone, to live life as much as i can, never regret, never forget... I'm making so many plans and I think you'd be proud of the way I'm turning myself around.

I'm not ready for anyone else to be in my life yet, that'll take a long time, but right now I'm feeling quite comfortable just being by myself, getting over you and me and what could have been.

You helped me live more than once. You're still doing it now, from the grave.

Getting by.

2009-10-21T21:02:00.003+01:00

I'd love to say it gets easier day by day. But it doesn't.

I'd love to say I'm over you. But I'm not.

I'd love to be able to say goodbye, once and for all. But I can't.

You're still in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. Maybe you will be forever.

I take it a day at a time. I get up, I go to work, I drink cup after cup of tea, I come home, I get drunk, I think about you and I cry. I have good days and I have bad days. Every time I might have started to get better, memories come crashing down and I realise I'm at the beginning of a long, long journey.

"Sing for your lover, like blood from a stone
And sing for your lover who's waiting at home
If you sing when you're high and your dry as a bone,
Then you must realise that you're never alone
And you'll sing with the dead, instead
Said you'll sing with the dead, instead"
Placebo - Summer's gone

Music helps me through the hardest days and the hardest times. Incubus, Deftones, Jack's Mannequin, The Beatles, Oasis, Placebo, Skunk Anansie, Maximo Park... I listen, I sing, I numb myself and i try, if only for 3 minutes, to forget.

Work have been brilliant. They help me every step of the way, if i need time, they give me time, they give me shoulders to cry on and drink with me when I need oblivion.

I don't think I'd have got this far if it wasn't for my friends. I love you all.xx

Everything that reminds me of you.

2009-09-16T22:31:00.003+01:00

Text messages in hospital beds. Hotel rooms. The letters you wrote to me from wartorn countries. Your red mini. Leading weapons engineer artificer. The words. "I can't have that, I can't have you there with me, close, and then have to leave you." [so you didn't even try?] Sail away. The good days. The bad days.I blame me too you know.

It was never a great romance. We never did the whole dinner dates and holding hands thing. He was never here for long enough. There was something there though. A magnetism, animal attraction if you like. I wanted him the moment I saw him. I thought, One day, one day he'll be with me. There were weeks of darkness, of not knowing where he was and how he was doing. War does funny things to men. The leaping of my stomach every time i got a message or a phone call. I'd think, This could go one of two ways. And then it ended. Just like that, he was gone from my life.

It wasn't a tragedy but it felt like it. My heart cracked the day he stopped replying. I knew then. I thought, This is what it feels like when your world turns upside down and your heart falls out. You can't fix something broken like that, tears aren't strong enough. Tears were all I had.

I found out last night.

He died from a drug overdose. He was found at 3:14am. Collapsed on the floor, he'd choked on his own vomit. Overdose isn't the drifting off to sleep, no pain way of death that people seem to think it is. It's the dirty, dark way to die.

I'll miss you.x

2009-09-04T22:19:00.004+01:00

Summer never came and with each passing day it gets nearer to when i'll be flying home.

I can't wait for the winter. Thick coats and wooly hats. Those days when it feels like there's magic in the air. Ice crackling underfoot, the branches glittering with ice diamonds. Writing was made for a winters day, an armchair, an open fire. Piercing blue skies, billowing breath. These are all things I love.

And yet. With the cold will come the wet, the snow, the mist and fog. This is what I don't like. Arthritis flares in the winter, bones ache and crack, muscles burn and tighten. Nothing quite like a cold winters morning to reduce me to tears. Getting dosed might be fun for a while, codeine wrapping around your head like cotton, but it soon gets old.

me and the boy argued and argued some more and now we work together. it doesn't work. it's not harmony. i love him but hate him at the same time. he makes me cry.

Let me set the scene.

2009-08-31T23:02:00.002+01:00

You're 20 years old
You live 6,100 miles from your dad
You see him perhaps once every 3 years
You want to live with your dad but are struggling to get the residency you are entitled to
You'd love to just jump on a place but are in a fair amount of debt
Your dad was in an accident when you were 5 weeks old and is now paralysed and brain damaged
Although he is fiercely independant he needs live-in help
A year and a half ago your aunt and uncle moved in to help him, they were moving from the North to the South of the country and needed a place to live. they conveniently chose to live rent free with your dad

This afternoon you ecieve this email.

What do you do??

"Hello darling, sorry you've had to wait so long for a reply, but I've had an awful lot on my mind and haven't been able to dedicate time to this.
Firstly about a month ago R said he wanted to have a chat.
The main thrust of the chat was that he and B felt that I should sell my house and buy a unit in an old age complex, and that they were so convinced of this that they'd set up a couple of viewing appointments for me.
Well you could have knocked me down with a feather!
I certainly hadn't seen it coming.
It seemed as we talked about it that they were missing the lock up and go aspect of their lives before they moved in with me in the early part of last year.
So they've taken me to see a couple of places so far to look, one in PL, and one in DR.
The PL one is a little on the small side, one bedroom, but it is over the road from H-Place, a shopping centre, so that would be very convenient but that was the only thing that attracted me.
I'd be miles from all my friends
I don't have transport so I'd be kinda cut off.
I'm getting a lot of pressure from R and B, and it's making me feel unwanted, which is not nice.
The DR one is very nice, it's 2 bedroom with lovely mountain views, but it's miles from the shops etc, though there is a pub within walking distance!
PL is a dry suburb, so that's not much fun!
I did establish that both places would allow long term visitors without any problems.
Now in order to be able to buy into one of these places I would have to sell my house, so I've had a clutch of estate agents come and do evaluations to see where I should aim at pricewise should I decide to sell.
I really don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ok, one day this will be what will have to happen to my dad.

But.

That's my home they're going to MAKE him sell!!
HOME!!

I asked him a fortnight ago if I could move in with him because I need to go home.
This is the reply I get???

New Job and things :)

2009-08-30T19:21:00.003+01:00

The new job is the easiest thing ever. I've done tele-canvass before and hated it; never knowing if you'll earn enough comission to pay the bills can fuck with anyone's mind.
This is different.
Last week I got a text from an old, shall we say 'intimate', friend. Someone I've know for years.
'I've got a new job for you. I know you've been looking. Interested?'
I started Friday. Full basic rate. Full time hours. A boss I know I can trust not to screw me over.
Best of all? I'm coming out tops already. The friend is my manager but they're looking for a supervisor. Watch this space. It'll be me. None of that 'it's not what you know, it's who you know' crap. Hard work always got me where I wanted to be.

I've been having an amazing time lately. jacking the job in was the best thing I've done in a long while.
a good friend has moved in with us so now there's four girlies under one roof. you'd think it'd be a hotbed of pmt and catfights but really it's awesome. the 4th one is the craziest bitch i've ever met. in a good way. she'll lift me out of any bad mood.
mum's wedding... well that just goes without saying. amazing day :)

lovelife: non existent.
weightloss: not happening.
bankfunds: i dont even know where my frickin money goes.
family: constant disputes.
despite all this:

I'm the happiest I think I've ever been.

2009-08-26T21:21:00.002+01:00

It was the perfect day for a summers wedding. Mum and her man are blissfully happy. We all were. Twilight turned in to the early hours, 5am to be precise. 19 hours of champagne and canape's took their toll... I'm still recovering now...

disjointed.

2009-07-31T22:45:00.004+01:00

He came back in to my life with sweet nothings falling from his lips and false promises dropping like bombs, shattering the peace of mind that took weeks and months to recover.
I told him; no uncertain terms. stay away. stay out. stay silent.
never say my name. don't call, don't text, don't write.

maybe we both walked away from each other. that's what he says.
it ended for a reason, i know that much.

the blame has ended. i know that what is done is done.

england's making me crazier by the day. sensationalist news. swine flu. guns, knives and violence. recession.
I miss home. it calls to me, getting stronger every day.

£400. March. Home, here I come....

nothing's planned yet. all i know. is that i need this more than anything. i think about this every few weeks, and put it off every time, what if it's the wrong decision, what if i dont enjoy it, what if, what if? I need to do this for me, for my family, it's long overdue.
leaving my friends and my family and the life i've built over here scares me silly. i'm not the person who ever got homesick or who struggled making friends. so why do those things scare me now?

this man knocked my confidence, so much that it took nearly a year for me to speak about what had happened.

I'm back.

2009-07-12T23:55:00.002+01:00

next update very very soon... I have just got a new bed and can't seem to do anything but sleep - amazing :)

2009-07-06T22:50:00.007+01:00

Night falls
And towns become circuit boards
We can beat the sun as long as we keep moving

From the air
Stadium lights stand out like flares
And all I know is that you're sat here right next to me

We rarely see
Warning signs in the air we breathe
Right now I feel each and every fragment

This paper trail leads right back to you
You say you need me to step outside

You spent the evening unpacking books from boxes
You passed me up so as not to break a promise
Scattered polaroids and sprinkled words around your collar
In the long run, you said you knew that this would happen
Maxïmo Park - Books From Boxes

Sometimes a lyric will just catch hold of my heart and play over and over in my mind, a loop of familiarity. This is it.

The air around us is crackling; expectations, hopes, memories and fears collide. It's been too long. The times we shared are in the past, buried and forgotten. But yet, not quite. We sit in silence, lost in reflections of times gone past. It all come out in a rush. Imissedyou.Doyouremember?I'llneverforgetthedaythatifoundout.Whathappenedtous?Idon'tknow.Forgiveme?It'salreadyinthepast.
This girl introduced me to this song, one i'll listen to every time I feel happy or sad, when i want to laugh and cry and scream and shout all at once. This girl dried my tears when i lost my first love, came miles to hold my hand when i was in a hospital bed, laughed when i learned how to laugh again, rescued me when my world turned upside down and my heart fell out. This is girl-love at it's best. She's back and I can't even remember why we parted in the first place.

It's nighttime. A bed creaks rhythmically, she whimpers softly. Her gasping rises to a crescendo, a keening cry that suggest more pain than ecstasy. These twilight hours are more desolate than most, the ones where I am more likely to give up hope than any other time. I don't. I can't I've come so far and my strength still surprises me, I expect myself to give up and shock myself everytime.

I missed writing.
Night y'all :)

2009-07-05T20:14:00.003+01:00

Life is definitely on the up, yesterdays feeling were not a blip.

I've booked myself a little holiday for next month, time to get away from this old town for a few days and start with the whole 'new experiences' thing.

Edinburgh here I come!! I've only been once, to celebrate my grandads 70th birthday, I was young and unappreciative of the beauty of the city, the castle, my family's history. I want more. I remember the city through flashes of memories, long roads, the gardens, the castle.

All my friends ask, Why go it alone? but i need to do this, I need time away from everything, work, backstabbing friends, him.

I love travelling alone. Train stations late at night, deserted countryside lit up by lonely streetlamps, hours for my own thoughts. Peoplewatching, music in my ears and beauty in my eyes.

No diversions. This will be a technology free holiday. No phone, no laptop, no internet. The most technology I'll be getting is my camera. I've become a bit of a media/technology whore lately and that needs to change, I want, I need, isolation from this life to sort myself out.

The holiday will start the day after my mums wedding. Lucky number 3? I've been thinking about it a lot recently and despite what everyone says, I can't believe you're ok with this, surprisingly I am. It has after all been 18 years since her and my dad split up - I don't ever remember a time when they were together. They have always been separate in my memories and that's the way I know they'll always be.

I'm not best pleased with my job at the moment, simply because i feel insecure. Things are happening there, not to me, to the company that make me want to leave. I have a job interview on Tuesday. Fingers crossed!!

2009-07-04T15:54:00.002+01:00

we argued, we argued some more, and now we don't talk. feeling get in the way, yet again.

I go out, I drink, I smile and I don't cry. I get stronger every day. Sometimes I can feel my energy for life so much that it makes me breathless. It's a force that doesn't stop, never slows. There are better things for this girl and I'm going out there to find them, and when I do... well, I'll hold on tight like my life depends on it. Because it does.

I'm not talking men, or even friends. I'm talking experiences, memories. I don't need anyone but myself for those things and that's why I want them. I'm finally becoming comfortable with who I am - it's taken long enough - and realising things I should have learn a long time ago. that I don't need different people around me every day of the week for me to feel loved. A man to hold on to won't make me more secure.

I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I am on the way.

2009-06-29T18:47:00.002+01:00

i've really been neglecting this lately so, yet again, i'm promising to try harder from now on!!

me and the boy, we are no more. we talked, we talked, we argued, we've not seen each other since. we still talk everyday but it's not the same. i miss that boy so much. feelings always get in the way!

2009-06-29T08:22:00.000+01:00

i'm fucking sick. again!

sunday is my favourite day.

2009-06-28T12:47:00.003+01:00

I've always loved sundays but for the last 6 months i've worked pretty much every sunday - not nice. I used to work them at the pub, but that was different. i'd only start about 5o'clock and by then the days pretty much over isn't it? now i work 8am until 5 pm. i miss the best bloody day of the week! but not today....
a hangover free leisurely lie in this morning, lots of cups of tea and a stroll to the shop (in my pyjamas...), bacon sandwiches and the sunday times. bliss.
i'm about to have a richard gere-fest followed by a nice roast and perhaps a little light reading.
i bloody love sundays.

life laundry.

2009-06-19T09:56:00.003+01:00

I'm off work until tuesday of next week and I am having a decidedly nice time. Lately I have been somewhat down so it's just lovely to feel good about things again.

While being off I have realised just how much I don't enjoy my job and so I am on a major job hunt. I have ummed and ahhed about it for the last month or two but nothing has made my mind up as much as the last 3 days have. So what direction do I go in? I applied for a trainee assistant managers job about a month ago, I have been offered an interview for that but the interview isn't for a while yet. It is an expanding pub and bar company, they say the are really impressed with my cv/experience but haven't got any vacancies for the next few months. the waiting game has begun! while that really is my ideal job i don;t want to sit around waiting on something which may amount to absolutely nothing in the future. i'm a little confused about what else to do but that's something i am working out for myself at the moment. work in progress.

the boy and i have been 'in talks' for the last week or two. we have been seeing each other for while now and while we feel a lot for each other (i know i do for him, anyways) we both are undecided about whether we can take things further yet. i think we both want to. he's been hurt one too many times and as for me... well i am sure some of you know my story. not a pretty emotional portrait. i'm happy with the way my life has gone so far but dont know if i'm ready yet to be caring for someone else byet. after all last time that happened, we were all ready to set up family and then baby was lost. i dont want my past to scar me forever but i do know that it will hurt for a long time to come.

I will never forget that day. he was home. i'd told him as soon as i knew and he was scared but excited. we lay in bed. we talked, we held each other close, it'd been two long months of craving him and he was there finally. we were in a hotel, posh, four stars, champagne and strawberries, room service, the works. the most beautiful and most painful day of my life. i got out of bed ready to bath, get ready for a nice relaxed day, we were going to have a nice day trip and a picnic.
there was blood on the sheet, on me, everywhere.when people say 'i cried for 2 days solid' you never quite believe them, do you? it's possible. i bathed, i cried, i put my mascara on, i cried it back off, he held me, i cried, he fed me, i cried. i cried, i cried, i cried.
and then he left me. blamed me, not outright, but i knew it was there.
but that was ok. I blamed me too.

Life laundry. I am getting better now. I dont think about him or her every day, not anymore. i am getting on with my life. cleaning my act up. I don't go out every night and take drugs, i don't drink myself into a stupor every night, i dont cat myself to ribbons and i don't dream about taking my life anymore. i am me. i am fixing myself up.

2009-06-17T09:01:00.002+01:00

whenever i get sad i paint my nails, eat ice cream and clear out my knicker drawer.... works every time.

2009-06-16T18:05:00.006+01:00

there's a boy. he makes me everything i am not and everything i am. when we are together he is the sweetest most gentle man. when we are apart i pine for him, i crave his touch, i miss his skin. i know every mark, scar, tattoo. the one on his stomach. bike accident. his ear. bar fight. every mark has a story. i know all of him. he knows all of me. my arms. self harm. my knees. operation. my eyebrow. walking into the kitchen cupboard. everything.
but, me and this boy. we are not together. we never will be. i love him just as much as he loves me but what can togetherness offer us but pain and drifting? i miss him now and i will miss him while i sleep, while i wake and while i work.
this shit will never last.

When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do...

2009-05-27T21:42:00.004+01:00

And so I dream again. He was in my dream last night, Phil. I said, I miss you, I need you back. and he said, Don't cry angel, you're not alone, I am always here for you. How can you miss me so soon? I've only been gone five minutes. I'll watch over you, look after you, kiss away your tears.

I woke up happy. I've realised. I need to get on with it. I'll always miss him, that man made such a big change to my life and influenced my choices in life and i'll always love him for it. But I need to try and move along. I'll make it through, I know that - I've proven to myself enough in the last few years that I'm strong enough to fight any of this shit that hits me.

Reality check. I'm young, I'm happy, I've got a steady(ish) job, my family love me and I've got amazing friends. What more could I ask for?

Somersault.

2009-04-29T23:38:00.003+01:00

"You're the warmth in my summer breeze

You're the ivory to my ebony key

You would share your last jelly bean

You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground

Did you know you brought me around

You were sweet and you were sound

You saved me" Zero 7

He felt like home and now he's gone. This morning I checked my emails and found i'd been sent a picture. I still cry every night for that man, you know. I remember the way his hands used to feel against my skin, like the flutter of wings, turning up the corners of my mouth in to a smile and making me forget why i'd cry. Remember me when I'm gone, I used to think, the thought of taking my own life so ripe in my mind.

Now i cry for him and her, and his two little babies, and me, and his friends and his family. We all miss him. Love you xxxx

Sometimes.

2009-04-27T00:09:00.001+01:00

Sometimes i wonder what the point in it all is.

2009-04-15T21:09:00.004+01:00

What an awesome day. It's my day off and i've vegged out since I woke at 9. Tea and toast and a short trip to the shops (nothing too taxing) followed by a move marathon... heavenly. Moulin Rouge right now... lots of singing along and even dancing at one point... I love it :)

2009-04-12T17:17:00.003+01:00

sometimes i feel like giving up on my friends. well anyway had a photo taken with a H, my friend F's friend, on friday night and now shes in a mood that she 'wasn't invited' to come out with us although we didn't go out together, just bumped in to each other while SHE WAS ON HOLIDAY!!! Jealous, hmmmm?

i've had an amazing weekend, been out friday and saturday night, had drinks, danced like a fool and laughed more then I ever have before. I've had my shoulders bitten and licked, had my best friends brother grind against me and i'm still here to tell the tale!! My flatmates brother is here for the weekend, he's a squaddie and lives in london... first time i've met him and i was a bit anxious to be honest, i really wanted him to 'approve' of me (he is very protective) but it has gone amazingly, he is my new favourite person right now!

It has made me feel a bit sad though. I'm not really close to any of my family and it's just hit home a bit how far apart we all are, seeing them laughing and joking, banter and all. All my family in SA are together this weekend and I want to be there!!

happiness and tiredness

2009-04-11T10:24:00.003+01:00

I've not sat down and done this for a while... been slack and tired and bloody busy to be honest. Not sure where to start??

Works been a little manic over the last week or so, last Saturday was my day off so naturally I went out on friday night, got horrendously drunk (too drunk, I was a woman with a one track mind) fell in to bed at 5am only to be woken by a message at 8.30am, the managers fallen down the stairs and can i cover for her, there's no one else who can do it as I am the only supervisor and the owner is at the other end of the country.

I agree, grudgingly. I've worked for 10 days on the trot now without a break, I am sooooooooo tired, today is my first day off and get me, I have a WHOLE WEEKEND off, i've not had two days off in a row since I started at the job so you can imagine just how dazed i am by the prospects of the coming 48 hours...

The house is beautiful, i can't even convey just how happy I am here and I just feel like I've had my years worth of bad luck (housing wise!) and that this is now my time to get settled finally.

More later... time for big breakfast :)

I have no energy to write...

2009-04-01T22:39:00.002+01:00

crazy nights... i am tired.....

Yay!!

2009-03-28T22:13:00.002Z

So we didn't lose the house :)

MJ, the girl i've moved in with split with her bloke, D 6 weeks ago and they decided to keep on their house and still be friends. It wasn't working so D said he'd move out. As you know, I was unhappy at 'home' so MJ asked me to move in, rent a room. D's name was still on the lease as MJ is too young to rent on her own from the agents.

Wednesday night D took us to Asda and said on the way he was going to take hos name on the lease, leaving myself and MJ stuck with no house, as I'm also too young to rent from the agents. Hence, Men are bastards (I am aware this is a gross generalisation!).

It's sorted, luckily MJ has a friend who has a friend who works at the agents... happy days... thank god!

I moved all my things in today and despite exhaustion (i'm too tired even to drink my glass of wine) I am ecstatic. This is what life means. Safety. Comfort. Good friends. A (boy) cat called Betty. A turtle called Millie. A room with a view. A life full of happiness.

Ugh.

2009-03-26T02:45:00.000Z

Might be losing the house. Bad times. Men are bastards!

fun times

2009-03-24T14:37:00.006Z

barbecues, tea and toast, pizza, lie ins, club nights, 'i'm with the band', guestlists, cheap drinks due to connections, pack and unpack, hangovers at work, drug free, films, girl transformation, taking your shoes of to dance dance dance, sunday sessions... these are the days of our lives.

2009-03-22T21:51:00.002Z

The first night in my new home. I'm scared.

This is all very strange for me, like a whole new beginning. For the last four months i've lived with strangers, in unsafe houses. Lock the door behind you. Don't put anything down, it'll disappear. Turn your music down, I'm sleeping.
I've not moved my things in yet, that's this weekend. I've got some clothes and bits while I adjust. Settle down finally. Happiness lies in this home. I can feel it.

Party Party Party

2009-03-14T10:12:00.006Z

The nights, the nights... She changed my life the way I know it. No more stay at home girl, the party party party is back in my life, my blood. I still get sad and I still cry but in the end I am always left with a smile on my face.
A little bit of domesticity this weekend, tea in bed on saturday morning and a night in with my mum. Fun times.

Home Sweet Home

2009-03-03T21:21:00.004Z

I've been thinking for a while that I'm not at home. So I've decided.

Home, here I come - I'll be going to back to Cape Town in November for a few months, home for Christmas. A kind of recce, if you like. I'll come back early january and if all goes well, I should be going back within a couple of months.

I can't wait!! I just feel so disjointed and out of sorts here that i just feel like i need to get away. I've not really told anyone, not about the going back part at least. I talk about it sometimes, saying I want to move out there one day and people just say, don't go, don't go, we'll miss you!! but I guess they don't quite know just how i feel. Yes, i have friends out here and not really out there but at the same time i have a lot of family out there that i've not seen in a long long time and blood is thicker than water, after all.

Not really much news to be fair. I've kind of deserted this blog for a while, I've just been so busy with work and whatnot! I feel happier and also sadder than ever.

It's time to go home.

not quite safe as houses

2009-02-25T01:47:00.003Z

Little city still isn't safe at night and I'm still in the not safe house.

Life is nice though. I've made really good friends with my manager and so we're often out and about... normally 3 or 4 nights a week we dance away our troubles. It's nice to have a friend here, all the other friends are far (well, not so far, but far enough) away.

I don't often get a chance to come on here and i'm afraid this post is also short and sweet. I'm feeling a little happier but not about everything. There will be a longer post soon, i promise you, with details...
love youx

Quivering wreck.

2009-02-01T19:31:00.005Z

So I was wondering if the move to the city was wise.

It wasn't. I realise that now, now that it's too late to go back and my ties have pretty much all been severed. Lets start at the beginning shall we?

It was thursday night. I had a shower after work, left my phone in the bathroom by accident and went back later to find it gone. No one will admit to seeing it. Do mobile phones disappear in to thin air?I think not... I have lost my lifeline - all my family laugh about the youth being on them constantly. I may not have been that bad but i live away from all my friends and family and i never get the chance to talik to them if not for the odd text or phonecall.

It was monday morning, I had worked all weekend and was really looking forward to a nice long lie in. One of those great lazy days - lie in, fluffy pyjamas, tea, hot bath and lots of duvet love. They never happen like you want them to do they?
9:00am. someone crashes through the front door and wakes me up. I leave my room to see who it is - I don't take kindly to being worken up.
Five men are running up my stairs asking for George. I do not know George. All i know is that he had my room before me, got evicted and left behind a hell of a lot of bloody syringes (as in syringes with blood in them).
I'm scared, i've just woken up and i'm confused.
It is the police. They have a warrant. I'm crying, sobbing. I'm a very nervous person and I'm the kind of person who has that problem that when I talk to the police, even when innocent (as always!) I feel guilty. I'm wearing my hotpants and croptop that only ever see the inside of my bed. This is not a good look.
Turns out George is wanted by the police, they have a warrant to search my house and they do exactly that, they apologise for scaring me (i'm still crying half an hour later) and then promptly leave.

Apart from these two things life has been pretty uneventful, i'm working long ass hours and when i don't work I sleep.

2009-01-19T10:31:00.005Z

My life has become officially boring. I finish work, go home. Drink tea and read a book. maybe a glass of wine, but not often unless it's the weekend. Go to bed. This happens every day. I'm looking for some inspiration in my life, somkething to make me tick, to make me want to leave the house at night - recently i've become so uninspired that i don't even leave then house to go shopping.
Is it the winter blues? I'm not 100% sure you know. It's like, I want to go out there and do things but there's just nothing for me to do. I'm starting to wonder if this move to the city was wise.

Talking of moves... I moved again the other day!! I'm still in the city but back in the old house i lived in 2 years ago, the one that I lived in with phil and the boys. It's amazing, I just saw the old landlord and he just asked if i wanted to move back in, there was a room going and he'd give me priority since he knew that i was a good tenant (a case of rose tinted glasses me thinks, when I lived there I didn't pay rent for about 4 months!!)
well, I'm back there now because I was indeed looking for a new places, the housemates at the other place were driving me absolutely bananas! And you know what? I love it. I still know a couple of the guys who live there although obviously phil is no longer with us. A lot of his stuff is though, his family didn't want it and landlord hasn't had a chance to get it taken away yet. It's strange, I thought I'd find it weird living there without him because he played a larger role in my life than I would like to admit but it's comforting aswell, because while I have hundreds of memories of him I don't have anything really that I can look at and remember him. Now I do. I have the house.

apart from that, not much news. I'm a trainee supervisor now at the fish place (my friends like to call me a fish head but I'm not sure the name wioll catch on, i hope not anyway!) so my job is finally secure (by starting my training they have cancelled the 3 month probationary period) and so I feel a little more safe.

today I have an appointment with a local service to discuss my chances of getting a dual nationality for my planned move to South Africa - top secret though so hush hush! I'm looking at perhaps in two years time, a realistic amount of time I think to pay off the debts, get driving and save up. Of course I also need a whole business plan so I will get that arranged while I am getting ready to go over as well. I can't wait to go home...

a rant of sorts...

2009-01-17T22:34:00.006Z

friends can be right shits can't they??

having a bit of a mad time right now, i'll be back soon i promise!x

Slightly drunken ramblings

2009-01-01T12:06:00.002Z

I think I might still be a weeny bit drunk, but what a night!! worth all the hangover that is still to come!
So, resolutions. Nothing unobtainable, nothing i'll give up on...

*Be happy... eat what I want, drink what I want, smoke as much as I want, Do what I want, when I want

*go out and meet some new people. I love my girlies to bits but just want a more varied group of friends!

*get a new job... I mean, i like it & all but seriously? working in a fish and chips place? even if it is a posh one.... no.

anyway... time for duvet & sofa and crappy TV, i'm at mummys again and hoping for some love (and a cuppa tea and bacon butty too...)

seeya x

Christmas time!!

2008-12-27T09:22:00.002Z

As usual I've stuffed myself that much that it actually hurts to breathe so I shall keep this short and sweet.
Hope you've all had a good one??
It's been lovely here, despite the fact I was dreading it =)
Me and mummy were going to spend christmas day doing some kind of meals on wheels thing for the 'older' people in our area but we spoke to the CVS and they said no (health and safety, blah blah blah) so instead i got the most heartwarming present, a cataract operation for someone. Nice warm fuzzy feeling included. It's lovely not to be greedy on christmas!!
so, due to lack of inspiration, I'm going to copy Nicey...

Highs
*Starting to sort my shit out (in all parts of my life).
*Getting out there and enjoying my life. Lets face it, it took long enough for it to happen!!
*Learning a hell of a lot about myself.
*Discovering the 'new me' (with double the confidence of the 'old me')
*What highs? I've not touched anything stronger than paracetamol in months!

Lows
*Losing not one but 2 jobs
*Getting kicked out by mummy again
*Phil dying. And then finding out the circumstances surrounding his death. I never did tell that story in full, did I?

It's been a nice year. Have a good new years everyone, love ya!!

WOW

2008-12-14T17:07:00.002Z

Just how long have I been away??? (6 and a half weeks to be precise) but bloody hell just how much has been happening!!

Well, firstly I got kicked out of my mums... that'd be the reason for my disappearance then? She just got sick of the way her man and me weren't getting on, the way he gave me shit for everything and so as she always will, she chose to get me out of her day-to-day life rather than him. I'm happy. I live away from most of my friends now but these things happen don't they? I live near one very close friend who i didn't see often before but it's great now, we're constantly meeting up for coffee and chats and out saturday nights in with a bottle of wine have become the highlight of my week at least.

2 weeks ago I lost the job. Good riddance I think. I was gutted, it meant leaving everyone behind but it's done me good. I'm working in a food place in the local shopping centre, nothing flashy but it's a job and it kepps me busy. The experience from running the pub is coming in handy, I'm already supervising all the other new staff (the place only opened up last week, all the staff started when I did) and I get a heck of a lot of thanks for helping out with training and what have you. It's nice, to feel appreciated, don't you think?

I still have my black days. I don't think I'll ever not have them. But it changes week by week. I get a little bit happier and a little bit sadder every day. I don't know how that works. But it does.

I still hate my boss.

2008-10-30T08:35:00.003Z

Really bloody busy at the moment weith work and whatnot... not much time to post I am afraid!! No news really... apart from I have absolutely no life. I've decided to stick with the job for a bit so now I seem to be working stupidly long hours, 9am till 8pm and getting bugger all thanks for it. Had a lovely day on monday too, Regional meeting (boring but free food and it was in a pub) so I got to see L and all my old work buddies, got a bollocking for staying with them through the meeting though and not my own team, gutted!

Anyway off to work now, Laters x

Antarctica

2008-10-23T15:33:00.004+01:00

Land of penguins, aurora australis, diamond dust. With no native population. Where the silence isn't silent, it roars. They say a trip Down South changes you. I've always wanted to go. I don't know how, I don't know why.

2008-10-22T19:45:00.002+01:00

A nice little phone call just now. Spoke to L (the old manager). I really miss him you know!!
Me: Leona!! [pet name...]
L: Bonnet!! [pet name also...]
Me: Can I work with you? I hate W. He's not payed me. He's make me take time off so I wont get paid for this week either. He's dead negative. I hate him!
L: I'm not allowed to babe. Regional manager says I'm not. I really tried.
Me: I'm going then, I'm sick of all the crap I've had from them.
L: I'm not far behind you. I'm getting shit everyday from the regional manager.

So, they're losing a branch manager, me, 5 others from my branch are near leaving and when L leaves, the 5 people he took from our branch to his new one will leave too. You know, I wouldn't mind, but they've ripped apart a group of people who were doing phenomenally well together and now they're losing all of them? doesn't sound like good management to me?

Anyway in happier news, HSM3 was amazing!! I've had a really lovely day and feel quite refreshed, thank you very much :)
I think the first thing that's going to change in this big life turnaround is all this negativity I seem to hold all the time, I'm so sick of it!! I hate feeling down so much and I don't really know how it's going to change but it bloody well is, I tell you! I have good feelings about the future, so what, I'm living at my mums again, get messed about by men [i'm sure I have doormat tattooed on my forehead], I'm in a crap job looking for something else and I'm in shit loads of debt... But I've got friends and family who love me, a good head on these shoulders of mine, a pretty enough face [not stunning, but you know... it'll do?] and the whole of my future to look forward to.

Sometimes I just think maybe I need a fresh start? Save up for a while, get a job somewhere else, move away, a little house in the country maybe. But then I think, whatever problems I have here, I'll have them wherever I go won't I? Running away wont solve anything, I'm going to feel like this wherever I go, the thing is if I go far away I'll just be even more lonely and where's the sense in that? So I just stay here. I feel discontent, I think that's what i'm trying to say.

It's nice to dream though, sometimes isn't it?

High School Musical 3

2008-10-22T10:36:00.006+01:00

It come out today in the cinema - we're so going to see it!! Then it'll be afternoon tea time. My favourite!! I love days like today, when everything just seems to be going to plan and everything's so exciting. Love it, love it, love it!

2008-10-21T16:58:00.005+01:00

And while I'm at it, can anyone tell me why i'm still working there when W can't even manage to pay me my basic wage?!

This is possibly why today I've been on the hunt for a new job, although L has said I should be able to work with him. Keeps me busy, doesn't it? It's like Nicey said... Looks like some changes are needed. Well said Mr!!

Anyway, just looking at Face Hunter.... And I want to be this girl!!

Shame on me.

2008-10-20T19:33:00.001+01:00

What a total epiphany. I realised. He's such a total ass!

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well- I'm over it. Remember I said I was doing my best not to fall because It's hurt to much when I fell flat on my face? Well I guess I did well? I've cried once and that's it.

I woke up this morning and just told myself, You've cried too many tears over that man and who's going to pick up the pieces? No one. There's not going to be any pieces for anyone to pick up. I don't need that man to make me happy.

Works been a bit crazy lately. Last Tuesday and Wednesday I ended up going home early because I was so cut up about the who Phil thing, so I got in to work on Thursday and was told by my manager not to bother going in until I 'sorted myself out' so here I am at home, still bursting in to tears every now and again. It can happen anywhere. It was in the shower this morning, and yesterday when I was in the queue at Woolworts (i bought the High School Musical 3 soundtrack, it's amazing!), and while I was on the phone to L (the old manager, more on that in a minute), when I couldn't find my keys in my handbag. I'm like a tear machine!!

So anyway, I've been off work for a week almost but before that the new manager W has been being a bit of a tit really, I don't know why?? I'm just not happy in the job in the way that I was when I first started so I may be moving to the branch where L is!! Spoke to him last night and he's been talking to his sales manager about getting someone on the phones (which is what I do), he tried to get me transferred when he first moved but he wasn't allowed to as I was he only person at my branch working on the phones... now we have someone else doing it so I should be able to move. Just have to talk to the regional manager and if he gives it the OK I'll be going in to L's team :)
I don't know what it is, what makes the difference... you'll recall me saying L is more of a friend than a manager and I think that certainly helps. He's not the kind of person who'd see I'm having a bad time and just tell me not to bother coming in to work - he'd actualy help me sort my shit out. That helps a hell of a lot.

2008-10-19T09:59:00.000+01:00

Still no word.

The girls night out was great. Just the four of us in a cosy little country pub, red wine and cigarettes, dressed down and comfy.

It was lovely :) [head is bloody killing now though and don't think i can eat for the forseeable future]

2008-10-18T17:05:00.000+01:00

"Driven by the strangle of vein
Showing no mercy I'd do it again
Open up your eyes
You keep on crying Baby
I'll bleed you dry
Skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea"
Kings of Leon - Closer

Why did I have any hopes for me and him?? I don't think anyone can tell me why, all we can say is that I was damn stupid to ever have any belief in any of it.
So, we're texting yesterday. He has some bad news for me. He's not coming home next weekend. Good news? He's home this weekend instead. We make plans. He'll pick me up from town at one, we'll go to Nottingham, go shopping, watch the Panthers play tonight and stay at the hotel over night. Long overdue time together. I get a text this morning. "My battery's about to die and I don't have my charger, where shall I meet you?". I reply, it delivers. Turn up at said place at 1, as arranged.

I waited for an hour.

He never arrived. His phone was off. I waited. And I waited. He's the one man I would drop everything for, you know?? My exception for everything. He broke all the rules and I still went back.

Not anymore. I want an explanation. I don't think anything can paste together the holes that he makes in my heart though.

I'm sat drinking red wine (always a good friend, it never ignores you, helps with your problems, never lets you down) at 5pm. My girlfriends are due out at 8. I dropped them for him, they pick up the pieces, dry my tears, make me smile. They'll drips feed me wine and chocolate through the night. We'll go out and get roaring drunk, stumble home, get a bit maudlin, drink a little more wine. We'll go to the toilet in pairs, swap make-up tips, bitch about men, drool over Kings of Leon, have lots of camera time, reapply our eyeliner+mascara 20 times through the course of the evening.

You know, isn't it amazing, the shit that your girlfriends will get you through? Like a life support machine, they've kept me living, breathing through the lowest times of my life.

Thank you girls xxx

2008-10-17T13:26:00.000+01:00

"So long, Jimmy, so long
Though you only stayed a moment
We all know that you're the one
Singing
So long, Jimmy, so long
Sure we're glad for the experience
We miss you now you've gone
We're just swimming in your soul 'cause
We all wish we wrote this song
Life goes on"
James Blunt - So Long Jimmy

That's what we all used to call him, you know - Jimmy. He's gone now, forever.
I saw S yesterday, his partner in crime. They often used to take me out for drinks. We went to Phil's favourite chinese all you can eat, and drank to him. It's what he would have wanted. I found out some really disturbing shit while I was with S. Things that no one ever wants to hear.
There was no note. It's a suspicious death. Someone drove him to do that, wether he killed himself accidentally or on purpose - not a single person who ever knew him has any doubts though. It was not on purpose. When Phil got down and depressed, he drank and took drugs to take his mind off it. And someone drove him to take whatever it was that he took.
He died in his sleep, choking on his own vomit.
We don't know when the funeral is, it'll be once there post mortem is done.

I just can't help thinking, why him? He was the most amazing, funny, caring, smart, gorgeous man. He lived for his daughter. Now he's got 2 that don't have a daddy.

High

2008-10-15T07:53:00.000+01:00

Don't you think it's time you started
Doing what we always wanted
One day we're gonna get so high
'Cause even the impossible
Is easy when we got each other
One day 'we're gonna get so high

And at
The end of the day
Remember the days
When we were close to the edge
And we'll wonder how we made it through the night
The end of the day
Remember the way
We stayed so close to till the end
We'll remember it was me and you.

'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love
'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love
Lighthouse Family - High

It was a beautiful morning, crisp and cold, clear and sunny. I'd been underwear shopping ready for the following weekend when P was coming to visit. I waled through the town centre, stopped to talk to a friend I'd not seen in ages.
A colleague saw me and stopped, wanting to talk to me.
I've got some good news and some bad news, she said.
I'll tell you the good news first.Phil's daughter was born friday. Bad news; She'll never see him. He was found dead yesterday morning, he overdosed, there was a note next to his body.

Remember the housemate? He helped me through a hell of a lot, looked after me when P was never there and now he's gone.

I never went to work yesterday, I was in shock most of the day. It hit me at about 6 o'clock. I was on the phone to Bestest trying to explain why I wasn't going out for drinks. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Loud, racking sobs, i couldn't stop and I was on the phone. You known that crying when you can't even breathe? My throat is red raw, my head hurts and I haven't slept. I just keep crying. Surely my body ran out of water last night? Obviously not.

Not sure how I'll cope at work today.

In Loving Memory

2008-10-12T13:31:00.000+01:00

"I cannot let it rest in piece dear, I'll consume myself it was my only true fear
I hate this fucking aftertaste and I hate it even more without you here
This love was my pain, my hurt, my cancer, and all I wanted was to find an answer
You love and respect someone so deeply and then you lose them for your own, your own self odium"
InMe - In Loving Memory

It's official - set back number one has arrived. I can't talk to him at the moment, he's on an exercise for the next few days where he can't use his phone. The first I knew of it was Sunday night, I got a phonecall (while asleep). We spoke for a long time - I don't know what about really, all I can remember is him telling me that his trip home has been moved back by a week.

We've got a long way to go, haven't we?

Nevertheless, I still feel happy. Upbeat. I'm enjoying life, it's nice, great to wake up in the morning refreshed and looking forward to the day ahead.

Works been going really well too. Last week was pretty bad for me until saturday, I'd had a bad week in general and so my work was suffering. But since saturday I just seem to have turned around and everyone's dead impressed. Last week i struggled to get any appointments booked (which is how i earn the commission) , although the week before had been my most successful to date, with 10K worth of business. So to have a crap week felt like i was up against a brick wall and i couldn't get past it.

All in the past now though, eh? I'd best be off.... it's payday and I have things to do, cinema tickets to book (high school musical baby!) and underwear to buy!!

Maybe there's no one else for me.

2008-10-07T22:04:00.000+01:00

He comes home in 11 days.

2008-10-05T15:24:00.000+01:00

"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in"

It's going to be a long time until I get to see him. We can make this work. I know we can.
I'm not getting in as deep, as quickly as last time. I'm scared, we've lost the total unconditional trust we had last time. But we're strong - we know what went wrong last time and we can learn from our mistakes, we are older and I know that I for one have grown up a hell of a lot. I'm getting a lot of stick for going back there from people who don't know the whole story but these things happen don't they? The people who matter have simply said "I'm happy when you're happy, if you're not happy then I won't be either"
I don't know what I've missed most. The words, the comfort of knowing someone is always there to talk to twenty four hours a day, being wanted just for being myself. It makes me feel good about myself again. "We will make up for the lost time... I don't want to lose you again."
It's nice.

Would you tell me how it could be any better than this?

2008-09-30T22:59:00.000+01:00

My boss, L is more of friend than a manager, he's like a friend who i can talk to about anything and never worry about how far it'll go. He knows everything about me. He's half the reason I've carried on with the job - if I have a bad day, he'll sort my head out.
And as of tomorrow, he'll no longer be my boss.

I'm absolutely fucking gutted.

Our branch of the company (foot canvasser wise) is the best in the midlands, and L is the reason for that. He's the best manager the company has ever seen and so the company have decided to move him to the poorest performing branch in the region. And their manager here. Alongside L, our two team leaders are going, both out drivers are going and my best work friend is going too.

And what's even better? I found out yesterday about the moves, when L came back from the meeting when he'd been told. Do you know how hard it is to go out with all your work friends and not be able to tell them what'll be happening, to have to keep a straight face and pretend like nothings wrong?

They'll all find out today.

P

2008-09-30T08:23:00.000+01:00

And P said, I can't say sorry enough, I acted like a c**t, You never deserved what I did to you, I missed you, I don't want to lose you again, We'll make up for the lost time.
And suddenly it was like the last year never happened. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach flipped.
Time to give the man a second chance. I can't let myself get hurt, I know that, but I just need to see him again, we need to talk. He had his reasons and I can understand the things that he's said. The shit he'd been through before it all happened.

Nothing will ever excuse him for what he did but I think sometimes people deserve a second chance. Things may have gone badly wrong but we were friends for a long time before that and thats what i need to remember. And i remember the way that we were so connected- Everything he ever said to me came as a total surprise and yet they were always exactly that i expected him to say. I'd think about him, and suddenly there's be a message on my phojne from him. The time I lay in hospital thinking how I just needed to talk to him but didn't have his number and the next morning he'd sent a message.
About how a year to the day since we last saw each other, we started talking again.

He's in Scotland now. Next time he comes home, we'l talk. Take it from there. He's a good man with a heart of gold and somehow I just can't say no when he asks me to forgive him.

2008-09-28T15:51:00.000+01:00

I walked down the streets. It was that magic time of night, 3am, when the cold bites through your clothes and chills your bones. I didn't know why I was walking, just that I was and that I wanted to.
Sometimes I like that. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't sleep anymore so I just get up, get dressed up nice and warm and walk. I walk for hours sometimes, just until I'm tired again.
There's a few places I like to go. There's a church hall thing just down the road from my old flat and I go there sometimes. If you walk up the fire escape you can jump on to the roof which overlooks the train tracks. It's beautiful. You can see all the stars and the trains go past. It's so quiet too, you can think about everything. I always leave happy.

"Driven by the strangle of vein
Showing no mercy I'd do it again
Open up your eyes
You keep on crying
Baby I'll bleed you dry
Skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea"

Worky work!

2008-09-23T13:52:00.000+01:00

Work makes me sad sometimes. Not always. But sometimes.

What Katy Did. (no, she's not actually called Katy!)

2008-09-22T08:15:00.000+01:00

Things that she said to me:
-I think you should stay single for a while, I think you're going for the wrong people.
-Promise you'll never touch cocaine (!).
-I think you need to change the clothes you wear because they make you look overweight.
-You're so selfish.
-"It's him or me"

There are more. I can't go in to it. She has opinions on every part of my life, especially the ones that are nothing to do with her.

I've removed her from my life, I don't need that negative shit, especially not from a 'friend'!

As I said last night, life in general is good. I'm very happy and feel comfortable. I'm moving back to my mums this weekend for a while (just until i find something else, the house I had lined up has fallen through) so that could be intedresting!

I'm waiting on a reply from Him. I want to know why he thinks he can suddenly reappear in my life. It was strange too, the timing of it. I'm so confused about him still.
I don't let him get me down though. I especially wont be down if I go in to work and tell my boss about it!! That's one great thing about work. I never leave without a smile on my face and that's what I love about it :D

2008-09-22T00:41:00.000+01:00

I'm really happy in my job.
Things keep getting changed around. My exact job role, my pay, that kind of thing, But in general - the work I'm doing is great, my boss is ace (more like a friend i can talk to about anything that a boss) and i'm suddenly learning exactly who my real, true friends are. I'm finally happy in my own skin, too. I looked in the mirror this morning and staring back at me wasn't the overweight ugly girl who's looked back at me for the last few years, It was Me. All Me. I looked at my reflection and thought, wow? is this me? I may not be size zero but do i want to be? no. I may not have long blonde hair and a great tan, but i'd look bloody ridiculous like that!! I'm comfortable being me at last. I'm not perfect but i feel pretty damn fantastic!! since I started at this new job my confidence has rocketed and it's an amazing feeluing, I'm confident not only about my looks but also just about myself. It's great.

I checked facebook this morning for the first time in who know long and guess bloody who has decided they want to befriend me again?
only Him.
It's a year to the day since he held me in his arms, since the last time i looked into his eyes.
I've just started to get truly over him.
and now he's seemingly back.
what to do, what to do eh?

Whatever I decide, it'll be the right thing for me. My life is in my hands and no one elses now. My life, my rules, my decisions.
Just how I want it.

Perfect.

RIP Neil - March 1988 - August 2008

2008-08-29T12:20:00.001+01:00

Although I was never really 'friends' with Neil, I always knew who he was and he was good friends with a lot of my good friends.

Ever since I knew him he had cancer. 7, 8 years... I can't remember. He fought it off once and it came back with a vengeance. And it took his life this week. The best people always go first.

Here's someone who will never see his 21st birthday, who spent far too much of his short life on hospital wards. Who was the cleanest living person I know, never once smoked, drank, took drugs, anything. And the world will be a sadder place without him.

We'll always miss you, Neil.

2008-08-23T10:09:00.000+01:00

I've got a job!!
I start on tuesday. It's all good.
I'm going to be 'promoter' for am home improvement company. Sounds posh, doesn't it? It's not... It's another name for a canvasser!! The pay rates are pretty good though, therefore I really can't complain... I've got a friend doing it and he's on about £500 a week which I'd never turn my nose up at, at the moment. I wasn't even getting that at the pub when I was doing 80 odd hours a week...
So. Happy days! enjoy the bank holiday weekend boys and girls x

If I should die before I wake, it's 'cause you took my breath away.

2008-08-18T23:14:00.000+01:00

I’ve been neglecting this blog for a long time and I’ve got no one to blame for it but me. I feel like I’ve only been telling you half the truth too - everything I say is true but it’s only half of what I feel and not a lot about the real me.
So I think that maybe I’ll start right from the start.
I wont tell you my real name (the people who really matter know that anyway) but I’ll suffice to say that I am rX, 19 from middle England. A girl who lets her heart go too easily (ending up in heartbreak all too often), with a past full of fucked up family situation, drugs, far too much alcohol, hate, love, attachment to the wrong people. But also hope, amazing friends, fun times and no regrets.
I moved to the town where I live when I was 11 and was told not long afterwards that it is one of the drugs capitals of the UK, when you work our the percentage of users in the town.
I started life in South Africa with an English mum and south African dad. When I was 5 weeks old my father had a bad accident. He was on a push bike and got knocked over by a lorry. The lorry never stopped.
My dad (although wearing a helmet) ended up with a hole in his skull that he could have fit his fist in to, had he been conscious. He’s paralysed down his left side due to major brain damage. When he was through all the surgery he had, he had to start life from scratch. He knew who my mum was but not who I was. At first he behaved towards me like an older brother might - jealous of this new sibling, pushing and shoving this little child who had taken the attention away from himself. He’s grown out of that now, he know who I am and I am the apple of his eye. I’ll always be his little girl no matter what. He know nothing of the person I have become, my mum and I keep him half in the dark to hide him from who I have become. My dad still lives in cape town. My mum and me live here, in England.
My mum went in to a bad depression after my dads accident, a combination of post-natal depression and having to look after not only a newborn but also her husband, the love of her life. All of this and hold a full time job. There’s no benefit system in south Africa.
She couldn’t cope.
They split up when I was young. I’m lucky. I don’t have any memories from when they were together. It was an amiable split, he understood that she couldn’t cope but she’s still the love of his life. And in a way my dad’s still the love of her life too. My dad changed when he had his accident, he’s not the man he was before so in a way my real dad has gone forever. That’s what my mum always says - the love of her life went forever the moment his head hit the road on that morning in February 1989.
My mum met my step dad when I was 3 and they married when I was 5. Not long after we left SA for England, leaving my dad behind. That’s something I didn’t forgive mum for, for a long time.
A lot happened between now and then. I wont go in to detail. I’ll just say that I moved from the UK to Qatar when I was 6, moved back to the UK when I was 9. We moved here when I was 11. My mum divorced my step dad when I was 16 and not long after she met her current man. He’s a bit of a twat.
When I was 17, I got kicked out of my mums house and moved in with a friend (Bestest) for a little over a month, until my mum let me move back in to her house. 4 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant and had an abortion. The only thing I have ever regretted. I left home again, opting for a shared house in the nearest city, lost my job, fell in love, started a university course, moved in to a flat with Bestest. Had an argument with my love, went on the rebound with a married man. Got glassed by his wife. Tried to kill myself. Made up with my love.
He’s in the navy, was in the middle east at the time. The day after he came home, we argued and haven’t spoken since.
It cuts me to the core to this day.
So, there’s a brief history of my life.
I like to write this blog late at night. I tend to sit in our living room in my pj’s - hot pants and a t-shirt. Normally there is a glass of red by my side. Face stripped bare of make-up.
I drink too much and take too many drugs but that’s my choice isn’t it? The direction of my life chops and changes quite a lot but at the end of the day, no one ever knows exactly what they’ll be doing with themselves in a years time. No one. So I like to live my life as well as I can, take each day as it comes and take everything in my stride.
After all, who knows what I could be doing tomorrow?

Stop me.

2008-08-14T22:33:00.000+01:00

I dream about him a lot, dreams when we're happy and then I wake up. I wake up happy and then i realise why I'm happy and it makes me sad. I'm going backwards and I don't know how to stop it?

I'm better off without.

I'm struggling with one of my best friends and I don't know how I can make the friendship better. She's never got the time for me but always gets jealous when I spend time with our other best friend.

Maybe it's because I'm feeling really bad that I'm thinking about him?

I feel happy a lot but I also feel bad a lot and I don't know what to do?

I could do with a bit of help really?

I should warn you, I've been drinking tonight.

2008-08-03T01:24:00.001+01:00

There's a lot that I want to do, want to say but I cannot: I am paralysed with fear.
Maybe writing this here will make it a little easier - at least I know you will never come across this. And if you do, you'll never know it's me.
Or will you?
Maybe I want you to find out. I simply do not know.

My past is shaded with things I can't explain when I'm sober, when my brain controls what I do and don't say. All I can say is that you held a part of my heart that has never before or since been held. You were amazing in a true and beautiful and painful way.
The truth is, Mister man, you broke my heart. But I never let you see but I was too scared.

The truth is laid bare and I hope you realise one day what you did to this girl.

I cried too many tears for you and they still fall now.

2008-07-29T23:01:00.000+01:00

There's not an awful lot to report from camp rX. Things have been quiet.

The job hunt has been quite unsuccessful so far; all the jobs around here are either crappy supermarket jobs, or things i have no experience in. Money is stressing me out at the moment. I'm really short, for the amount of bills I have to pay.

The truth is - I'm scared. I've nowhere to go at the end of september and I can't see myself finding anywhere while I have no job. But it's official. The job situation is god damn dire.

I've been happy though. the good weather certainly helps! Me and le flatmate are getting along well, and her blokey too. it's nice to spend my evenings with people i know and get on with well. who i like spending my time with.
I'm feeling a bit ditched by my schoolfriends- there's only been one frind who's really bothered to see how i am to spend time with me lately and that is the flatmate. I was sat in the kitchen the other day and she just came over to me, abruptly and said, I'm so sorry mate. I feel i've not been here for you lately and I'm sucha bitch for it.
But what she didn't realise - she's the only obe who has been here.

I forgot how much I'd missed it.

all my illusions shattered

2008-07-23T21:07:00.000+01:00

And suddenly, all my illusions shattered.
On monday morning I lost my job and also my home. Luckily the rent is still paid on the old flat - i'm writing this from my old bedroom.
I never knew it was possible to pack up an entire lifetime's worth of belongings in less than 2 hours. But it is.
The minute The (now ex) Boss told me that he didn't want me working there anymore - to cut a long story short, i wasn't trained enough for the job although he knew that before we started and told me he'd train me up - i was on the phone. A friend who owns a shop had enpough boxes for me, my best friend was on her way to pick me up, my mum was going to help me move that night.
The funny thing is- I don't care. I couldn't be bloody happier, actually.
Sunday I had spent the day with my mum deliberating over whether to hand in my notice or not. I decided not to on the grounds that i'd given up too much for that place.
Well. Shit happens.
I'd been working 15 hour days, seven days a week and it wasn't even acknowledged. I was breaking my back for that place and I was near to giving up anyway.

so?

Good fucking riddance.

there's just the slight problem now of being jobless and having to find somewhere else to live by the end of september!!

I'm happy though, isn't that the main thing?

Me and the man split up - remamber i said i was working 15 hour days? well it wrecks your social life, not to mention you love life. I miss him. The was he'd kiss my eyelids as i was falling asleep. The flutter of his heart next to mine.
That's all in a time gone by and we just have to learn to move on and grow. It gets easier as the days get shorter and by the time winter arrives, those long hot nights will just be a distant memory.

All this happiness is new to me.

2008-06-17T11:16:00.000+01:00

The truth of the matter? I've never felt as well as I do now. I'm happy and healthy, I've got the man (well, kind of - I'm happy with the way things are now) and the job. I've got my house sorted out.

I'm happy.

I went to go and see my old floating support worker this morning. I stayed at W's last night and her office was close by. She reminded me of a lot of things that happened when I was here, unemployed and nearly homeless. She reminded me of the way that I used to walk and talk, my clothes and hair, even the way that I smiled. She told me, You've changed and it's all for the better. She said, I'm so pleased for you, You've turned your life around.

And I have, haven't I?

Me and W spent a lot of time talking last night. I was so good just to be able to talk about the things that have happened to us over the last few years.

About why he was living on the streets (long story), the worst things about it (three am is when it gets cold), moving around the country, and now that he's sorted himself out. How he wants a big family and he's not going to make the same mistakes that were made by his father.

About my abortion (how I wake up every day and wish I'd never done it, but then realise that if I'd had the baby I wouldn't be where I am today), how I'm scared that if I move in to the pub I wont be able to see him as often (he said, Of course I'll come to see you. I smiled.), about my hopes and dreams (they're constantly changing).

How we're both so happy things have turned out the way they have.

2008-06-15T23:29:00.000+01:00

This is my favourite part of the week. Lying in bed on a Sunday night with a large glass of red, going over the past week. Catching up with friends and family (the wonders of facebook eh?), checking the updates on PostSecret, just generally making sense of things.

Next Sunday will be my last night in le apartment. I'll be sad to leave but I'm happy for the fresh start. It's a busy week ahead though. Tomorrow it's packing (I've finally finished the massive clearout - one small skip full of crap, i kid you not) and then I shall be seeing W, Tuesday I get to meet all the current staff at the pub. I'm going up with my boss and I'll be helping him interview them - my first task as trainee assistant manager. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I'm working, Saturday I'm going to an auction with my bosses wife looking for furniture and stuff for the pub and then sunday I get to clean up here.

Busy busy busy!!

I looked at the accomodation on thursday, it's HUGE!! it's all a bit grannyfied at the moment but I'll get that sorted asap.

Generally everything seems to be sorting itself out.
I'm happy, and that's what matters.

It's pub o'clock!

2008-06-11T19:35:00.000+01:00

I move in to the pub sometime between the 23rd and the 27th. I can't wait!!

Today was a strange day. I was getting bad vibes most of the day from my boss, I felt like any minute he was going to tell me the deal was off. Then suddenly as I was about to leave after my shift, he asked me if I wanted to go look around the pub again??

I didn't manage to get a look at the accomodation because the current owners are still living there,but the pub's going to be great once we've done the refurb. There's a big group of us going up on the day we get the keys to start stripping wallpaper and ripping benches out and stuff. Proper painting party!!

I think I'm treating this move as a bit of a new start, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. It's going to be good to get away from all the bitchiness that goes on where I am now but I'm not sure how it's going to be being away from all my friends. All I know is that I'm really looking forward to starting the new chapter of my life.

I've spent the rest of the day having a major clear out. I'm a bit of a hoarder, so when it comes to house moving time I have to spend ages and ages clearing all my crap out before i can even consider packing. it's quite bad really!

I think I'd better get back to it!! more soon x

I thought you were dead.

2008-06-10T21:24:00.000+01:00

I first met W when I was 14, he was 17.
We were in the army cadets. Not long after we first met, he left.
About 9 months later I saw him again, we exchanged numbers and started talking, getting to know each other.

We ended up sleeping together when I was nearly 16 and my mum found out. Needless to say - she wasn't a happy bunny. She threatened to have him arrested!
Fast forward to today and he's gone through a hell of a time. He's been homeless, he's travelled halfway round the country.

Last time I saw him was 3 days after my 18th birthday, he was living on the streets, couldn't find anywhere to live. I was still living at my mums, obviously she'd never put him up so i had to walk away. That was possibly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
I didn't hear from him again. He went missing and a lot of people thought he'd died. I was gutted, this was a guy who i still had feeling for - i understood how people could mess up their lives in the blink of an eye.

I mean, when I saw him and he was homeless, I was pregnant and on a comedown from coke.
Three weeks ago I got an unexpected message from him on facebook. He's sorted himself out, he's living in a shared house nearby, got a job and at college and how do i fancy going out sometime for a drink or two to catch up?

Well, that drink or two was last night and I'm still stupidly happy. I'm amazed at how nervous I was beforehand, because I had no need to be. I mean, he's hardly a stranger is he? It was a fantastic night, that's all I need to say, alongside the fact that we are now together.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think I have finally found what I need to get over that twat.

In other news, life is incredibly peachy. My boss has finally bought the new pub. Plans have changed slightly but I'm happy with the changes - I wont be trainig as manager yet, i'll be doing other things instead. But I'm not ready to be a manager. I'm 19, I've got my whole life to live. I just want to enjoy what I'm doing and learn and gain as much from this as I possibly can. I'm feeling really positive about all of this. I think in a way I feel like everythings coming together finally. It's been nearly 7 months since my OD and all of that crap and i feel better than I have in a long long time.
Life's to live, isn't it? It's high time I start doing that.

angel, I miss you.

2008-06-03T13:45:00.000+01:00

"To see you when I wake up

is a gift I didn't think could be real.

To know that you feel the same as I do

is a three-fold, utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.

So would I be out of line if I said,

I miss you.

I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.

You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.

I know I'll see you again

whether far or soon.

But I need you to know that I care

and I miss you."

I miss you - Incubus

I still think of him you know. I wonder where is now, what advice he'd give me if I had the chance to talk to him. If only I did.

I used to wonder what it was like for him out there. I know he wasn't on the front line. I still worried every day that it would be the last time i heard from him, that I'd never hear his voice, see his smile again.

I found this on PostSecret... It's the way I felt - feel - about him. "Be miserable - Be tired - Fear for [his] life"

It's hard, you know? I've forgotten what it feels like to not have feelings for him, this one man. My dreams are filled with him. The ones I remember anyway. There's one that happens a lot. A man walks away from me, at first it's my dad and then my stepdad. then its the married man and then finally it's him. no matter how fast i run i never reach him.

I always wake up crying.

I just can't stop.

2008-05-19T20:42:00.000+01:00

Things that have made me happy in the last week:
1. Seeing my [twat] ex passed out on the floor after he KO’d on pills.
2. Seeing the lovely Mr G again and spending lots of quality time with him; it’s been far too long!
3. My Disney’s Love Songs album.
4. Party season starting - now it’s officially summertime.
5. Getting my laptop back.
6. Work (this is a long story - shall tell you soon.)
7. Guillemots Live Lounge cover of Sam Sparro’s Black and Gold.
8. The fact I’m on a comedown and I’m still able to think happy thoughts.

Things that have made me sad:
1. Seeing my [twat] ex.
2. I’ve lost all my pictures and music and work from my laptop.
3. I’m on a comedown.
So, there’s bloody loads and loads to say- I’ve been a busy busy bee!!

My boss is thinking of busying a new pub and putting me in as the live in designated premises supervisor. I’ll get trained up as manager of the pub, which cuts out me needing to do this degree and I’ll get all my food, bills and accommodation paid for as well as my wages. Fantastic.
As I say, I saw the lovely Mr. G on the weekend, we were both at a free party on Saturday night. I’ve not seen him since my 18th birthday last year, when myself and a few friends went out with him in Nottingham. I think more nights out with him are long overdue!!

So yeah, there was this free party just down the road from where I live on Saturday night. My flatmate was one of the ones organising it. There’s normally two a year here, both set up either in a clearing in the middle of the forest, proper out in the sticks, or in a huge crater not far away which we call the bomb hole. There’s always a sound system with some great tunes playing, a great atmosphere, lots of old friends (such as Mr. G), a big bonfire and it’s always a bloody great night. Saturday was no exception. I ended up leaving at 4.30 and going back to R’s house with Mr. G, expecting to get a few hours kip before I went to work 12 hours later.

There was no sleepy time for me!! Those 12 hours were spent, well… let’s just say that rather a lot of Japanese whisky (at 50% vol) was consumed, and also a whole bottle of cherry brandy. And plenty of drugs. Oh dear!! Work wasn’t nice last night…

I’m really worried about my university course now, I don’t think I’m actually going to finish everything in time. I’ve got so many assignments to get finished before the end and It’s a bit scary!! Plus the uni are being crap with me, I’ve had to extend my study for 2 of my subjects until September and they’re meant to have sent some forms off to my local authorities so I’ll carry on getting my student loan. And they keep on not doing it! I’m just getting a bit sick of education now, I’ve been in education pretty much solidly for 15 years and I just need a break.

I'm so glad I can write again =D

Come away with me

2008-05-12T12:19:00.000+01:00

Put your hand in mine, darling - I want to take you on a journey.

I don't know where I want to go but I know it is you that I want to go with. I remember the days that I never wanted to move again but those days are long past. I feel like I need to lift my head and spread my wings, see new places, meet new people, smell new smells and taste new tastes. I can't let these roots grow any longer because I'll be here for life and that is not what I want. So, take my hand and we'll go where we wanna. Maybe somewhere like this?

I'm feeling just a little discontent with life as it is, right now. My job is sucking, promises are being made and then promptly broken. I'm not seeing my friends as much as I'd like, they're always busy doing other stuff on the one night I'm free, when I'm not working or at uni.

Don't let me fade away

2008-05-11T14:51:00.003+01:00

I feel as though i've forgotten how to write. I find it difficult to express how I feel at the moment - I'm sorry I seem to have abandoned ship.

I'll be back soon x

Place your hand in mine, I'll leave when I wanna.

2008-04-21T13:55:00.000+01:00

Suddenly lifwe just appears and hits you in the face - I didn't realise it before but there IS a reason I'm here. It isn't fate, or destiny, I didn't deserve the hurt that He gave me but then again I let it happen. I've got a life worth living out there and I fully intend upon living the bugger.

Ive spent far too long being the stroppy cow, snapping at people, letting myself get hurt. I know what I want from life but that isn't necessarly what I've always gone for. I want the good relationship, the being loved - I go for loveless 'fun'. One-night-only frolicks will not help me in the long run. I wanted a baby - I didn't give myself a chance to have the baby. But in doing so, I have put myself in a better position for when I do have a child. And I will. I wanted a future, a career with prospects. I followed what other people wanted me to do for far too long. Back to the roots now, Hospitality is the thing for me. I appreciate your suggestions, sir, but fior now I will follow my heart, not your head.

I hid away from my childhood and my family for far too long, I didn't appreciate what they were to me and how they made me but now I do. I learnt things about my mother that I never would have known had I not become so close to her. She tried to commit suicide too, at the same ages as I did. She never stopped loving my father, the man he was before his accident. She stayed with my stepdad for 10 years too long, she stayed with him for me, because she felt I needed a good and decent male in my life. She made sacrifices for me, "because that's what being a mum is. you make sacrifices, you love your daughter more then life itself, and you never stop loving her". We sat and talked over a few bottles of wine and everything suddenly made sense to me, why thimngs ahd been said and why things had been done, what happened when I was a kid, to me and to my dad. I was always an angry kid and that didn't change for a long time. I'm through that now, mostly.

So why have I not been writing? Well, Uni work is piling up and also my laptop has gone kaput (it's beiong fixed right now, I hope...) and really, i think that sometimes before I write i need to do a lot of self discovery. I missed it though.

My own summer.

2008-03-31T14:02:00.001+01:00

Sometimes things get better at the same time as they get worse. I get happier by the day, but I get sadder too. I feel more at one with the world, but more closed off at the same time.
I struggle a lot with easy things like time keeping and getting things done by their deadlines. I struggle with money. I find my uni work really difficult.

Now that the sun is out more often I feel happier a lot of the time. I find it easier to wake up to the sunlight than to total darkness, and i find it easier to sit and smile spontaniously. golden shoulders (forgetting the sunburn, it always happens though!!)

I love the whole summer vibe - sandals and sundresses and sunglasses and shorts. Tanned skin and blonde hair. Not wearing black!! Sunshine and seaside and picnics and raod trips. Good food. My hunger for junk seems to fall away in the summer months and it's replaced by a longing for light foods and salads and sorbets, cocktails in the garden and ice lolloies laces with pimms.

Spring and summer are a time for optimism and happiness, enjoying living and friends. All the good things in life.

I'm so looking forward to it.

x

Excuse me, Mister.

2008-03-17T23:24:00.000Z

Four years ago today.
I was meant to be meeting F to go to cadets that night. It was a Wednesday. I called to ask her when and where we were meeting and a man ansd told me in no uncertain terms that she couldn’t talk. A little later, she called me.
“Can you meet me now? I need to talk to you, it’s urgent”.
I met her and she said, I’ve just found out, My dad’s dead.
Her dad was like a dad to me. An Irish Man, killed on St. Patrick’s day. Some kind of twisted fate that is.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/essex/3522300.stm
A tanker driver, Joe was killed at junction 9 of the M25... May he always rest in peace. The most loving father, husband, brother and friend - a man you could rely on to catch your tears and initiate laughter. The last time I ever saw him was when he was redecorating his house, with that bright pink T-shirt on, with Elvis blaring out. There was never a dull moment when you were with Joe - He’ll live on in many hearts for years to come.

I have to apologise for the absence of posts... I'm in a difficult place right now and I'm trying my hardest to dig myself out. It takes time but it's starting to happen, slowly but surely.

It's difficult some days to wake up in the morning, let alone find the words to write.

The day that I realised.

2008-02-19T21:59:00.000Z

So, I let him fuck me over one last time. My heart was in it from beginning to end, from the message first thing on valentines day asking if I’d be his, to the silence on the weekend when I was meant to be in his arms.
It’s half term now and the time away from uni has been a breath of fresh air, if I’m honest. It’s hard to motivate myself to tell myself that I really have got to get on with my work, but I’m managing quite well. I’ve had a bit extra work to take my mind off things but not loads, but I’ve managed well nonetheless. It’s back to the daily grind tomorrow - work until late afternoon. And then a bit of a change… wine tasting afternoon at le pub!! Woo! My boss has arranged it so that the kid waitresses have more of an idea of what we’re selling and what they’re recommending - and I think she’s realised that we (the oldies) need a bit of a piss up together. Call it staff bonding! I just call it a lot of fine wine…
So, back to him. I’m changing pretty much all of my contact details so that he can’t get in contact and fuck me up again. This last time was the kick up the arse I needed. So, this time, there was no alcohol or drug binge, no comfort food day, no shopping with the money I don’t have or crying into my pint at 3 in the afternoon. Just a good dose of change and a lot of self realisation, that I don’t need him, that I don’t deserve to be putting up with that shit any longer. And so I’m not. I’m surprisingly happy - I think I’d come to expect him to hurt me so it wasn’t as much of a shock when there was total silence.
And so, what have I done? I’m in the process of moving on. Perhaps not the most fun thing to be doing in this cold week in February but it’s good all the same. Lots of friends and lots of time spent with people I haven’t seen in a long time.

The Language of Gestures

2008-02-11T16:08:00.000Z

"If at large gatherings or parties, or around people with whom you feel distant, your hands sometimes hang awkwardly at the ends of your arms - if you find yourself at a loss for what to do with them, overcome with sadness that comes when you recognize the foreignness of your own body - it's because your hands remember a time when the division between mind and body, brain and heart, what's inside and what's outside, was so much less. It's not that we've forgotten the language of gestures entirely. The habit of moving our hands while we speak is left over from it. Clapping, pointing, giving the thumbs-up: all artefacts of ancient gestures. Holding hands, for example, is a way to remember how it feels to say nothing together. And at night, when it's too dark to see, we find it necessary to gesture on each other's bodies to make ourselves understood." The History of Love - Nicole Krauss (one of my favourite books ever)

I don't crave the emotional side anymore (although it would be nice)- I hate getting involved because it's inevitable, it always ends in my tears. I miss the tenderness and the close contact, skin on skin, feeling someone else's heart beat close to my own. The laguage of gestures. The hand on the small of my back as he leans in to whisper to me that says, Always Be This Close. The back of his hand stroking my cheek that says, I Need You, I Care About You.
Happiness and sadness have always seemed to be inextricably linked. For me at least. Highly emotional, my moods bounce from one extreme to another. And yet. The sadness lingers like a ghost, hanting my bones and my very soul - when I'm happy, it's incredibly easy for me to remember how low i was the day before - when i'm down it seems impossible for me to comprehend happiness and joy. I'm on quite a level at the moment, i think. Although I am up and down, i'm managing to not let it affect me as much as it sometimes does.
Despite all this crap with him - is he coming home? isn't he? i'm coping. keeping myself on a level, not getting my hopes up just for them to be dashed.
sometimes i even manage to not panic myself too mcuh.
it's not often, i'll admit, but sometimes i manage to get in bed and fall asleep nearly straight away, without the usual 3 hours of tossing and turning, worrying and panicking about things.

2008-02-05T20:28:00.000Z

A year ago yesterday I was preganant and now a year ago today I'm not, and it's a bit of a scary thought. I'm not sure what to feel, happy or sad or what. All I can think of is the shit that it caused me, how all I ever wanted to do was tell my mum but I was so scared of what she might so. So to this day she doesn't know and she never will. And I remember what he said to me about it, "I know that it might upset you and get you down but that just means I am going to do all that I can to pick you up and make you happy again" and has that happened?
My best mate was upset about the whole episode, because all she's ever wanted is kids.
But that's all I've ever wanted too.
She didn't like the way I asked her to keep it secret and then I wrote about in my blog because she'd felt so guilty about confiding in other people (i understand her telling people, they're good friends of mine too and i know that to share a secret halves the burden). She felt like she's had to keep it a secret for nothing, because I'd gone and told people anyway.
But the point was, it was my secret to tell, and when I spoke out, it was when i needed to make it known because people were starting to talk about how down i was. All i ever wanted was a quiet life and I was sick of the strange looks for how down I was. On the outside I had everything but on the inside I was bare and raw and sick and tired and cold and lonely. I missed that little being inside me, despite that I'd killed it, it was my baby and it was a part of me and it was what I'd wanted for forever.

2008-02-04T18:03:00.000Z

He made me happy for a day and then he made me sad again and as I much as I just want and need to say goodbye, I physically can't. I hate feeling like this but I can't help it?
No amount of Kate Nash and Robyn sing-alongs can heal this wound; it still hurts with every heartbeat. It's his birthday today and all I wanted was to speak to him but like that was going to happen? and to top it all off tomorrow is the year anniversary of the abortion, just tomake me feel even better. I've got no little baby and I've got no him. Depression is a beast that eats away at your thoughts, at your mind, at your wellbeing and nothing can make it go away. Sitting here with a cigarette and a glass of wine does nothing, and all I want to do is withdraw all the money in my account and blow the whole fucking lot on something to get me off my head again.
I want to write with beauty and with eloquence again and I can't - this pain isn't beautiful, it's a hole eating at me and it make me howl, makes me moan with the pain. I remember how I was this time last year and I can honestly say I was better then than I am now.
Then I was pregnant and unwelcome in my own home with a great group of friends who looked after me through the hell of having an abortion.
Today I am lonely and alone, worrying about money and wondering if I'll ever speak to the man that means the wrold to me again.
So many things have happened in the last year. I have left home for good, become independent, become a dependent gibbering wreck, tried to kill myself again, lost one of my best friends, killed my own child, lost the man that means the world to me, turned into someone who can't go more then a day without a drink. Stopped slagging about, become a student again, lost a job, taken back my old job, realised I hate it, faced up to my problems. Been a mans live-in mistress, been the victim of assault (I don't blame her at all), made amazing friends, lost brilliant friends, witnessed first hand a cousin who's been like a sister to me go through divorce, given in to drug cravings and realised that in many ways I'm a failiure, I've failed myself, my friends and my family.
And I don't know how to make this mess right.
Maybe I need to get some help. Again.

2008-01-30T18:58:00.000Z

I'm through with standing in line to get my heart broken and I'm through with being hurt.
I feel like I'm being a bad friend because no matter how much my friends advise me, I still want to go back.
Works ok. Uni's ok. I'm sure he's ok - I have no idea though. It's his birthday on Monday, he'll be 22. Maybe I'll celebrate with a pint and a 20-deck of fags, he never did like the beerdrinking lady and he certainly hated me smoking. I'll wear my ugg's too and make a night of it, the ultimate "fuck you" because he hated those too. They all say I should fuck him off but the thing is, how on earth do I do that? He isn't exactly giving me a chance to. My God, I hate this.

I gotta get through this...

2008-01-29T22:50:00.000Z

I've given up totally. He broke me and then he made me and then he broke me again.

Saturdat night, an hour on the phone to him, us both in tears. He said, I'm sorry, I was a fool, I was an idiot. We can make this work, Will you give me another chance, I need to see you again.
And I fucking stupidly believed him. My heart was leaping with joy and you couldn't take the smile off me face but why was it such a surprise to me when he decided to start ignoring me again on monday?

So I reacted in the only way I know how. I got fucked. I mean mega chewing my face off, numb gums, 'i love everyone' fucked. Not even funny fucked. I hate myself for letting him do this to me.

It's lonely. You know?

I'm getting better though. Things are looking up. I've managed to get myself a place on the degree that I'm going to do in January next year so that's good. Travel and Tourism & Hospitality Management. Nursing wont be for me, my head state isn't right, what with the overdose and all of that shit. I've managed to drop biology (I was failing anyway) and instead I'm doing Cultural Studies and Business. It all seems really good so far. It'll mean extension of my studies but it'll be worth it in the long run. I can get a job out in South Africa with my dad, the tourism industry out there is booming and most importantly it's not here.

It's getting late and I'm tired. I find sleep so difficult nowadays and when I do sleep it's restless and panicked. I have awful dreams dominated by bad thoughts, i twist and turn constantly and I cry. I wake up and I'm crying, I'm sobbing and I don't know why. I go hot and cold through the night, I'm constantly waking up and taking the covers off, pulling them back on, taking them off, pulling them on. I don't understand why my sleep has suddenly gone so bad - it's always been quite crap but never this bad.

Things are a little better with myself and the flatmate, I've spent a little more time with her over the last week and we've got more time together arranged.

Up and down. I don;t know what's happening. I feel like things are changing so much at the moment, in a big way. I'm trying my best to get better and I just don't know the best way to go about that. I'm quite worried about the new module I'm about to start in psychology, We'll be covering things like suicide and depression in depth and I'm scared it'll all be a little too close to home for me. I'm a bit scared about that but i'll get through it. I'll get through it somehow.

Girl Power and Table Shopping

2008-01-21T15:12:00.000Z

"I dont need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing

I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around"

The girls are back in town. Doing it our way, having fun, being spontaneous, keeping our heads up high. Turning heads with our gorgous looks and making people smile with our infectious laughter.
It was birthday weekend, my best friends on thursday and mine on friday. naturally it was party time and good fun was had by all. I put him to the back of my head and only once thought "It'd be perfect if he was here"
I'm goign to move on, he'll no longer be such a huge part of my life.
But yet.
He text me, 2:30am saturday morning. "I am sorry x x" and it made my heart leap with happiness. I replied when i saw the text on saturday morning: no answer. Obviously one of those drunken texts then.
I want to hate him for it but I just end up hating myself even more because I let him make me feel this way. His voice was the soundtrack to the last 12 months of my life, no matter what happened he was always there and I miss that more than anything. He would have helped me fall asleep on the nights like this and he would have helped me figure out how to go about getting all these money problems sorted out. I need him.
It's past 11 and I should be sleeping - i've got a big test in psychology at 10am, if i dont pass it i'll be majorly in the big shit.
I'm still trying my best to keep happy, spontaniety is a big part of that. Not falling in to the same old routine again, doing things differently. Bingo with the girlies on tuesday night was a part of that, as was table shopping on Saturday morning. Got a gorgeous little kitchen table, and a bloody great bargain too!! Salsa classes are keeping me happy too. University isn't. I'm scared about money now that I'm the only one earning out of me and the flatmate - I've never been in a position where I earn more money than her before. And I don't like it. I'm going to be covering all the bills and the rent, I don't know ho long for. I don't know how to talk to her about it all, I can't afford to be paying for 2. It's hard enough paying for one. And I don;t know how to say, I miss the old you, the one that spent time with me, the one that didn't stay at her boyfriends house every night. The one that I wouldn't be scared to talk to. The one who'd be here now, talking to me, so I didn't feel alone. I know I was the one that caused the split and I'm so sorry for that. If you're reading this, I am so so sorry for what I did. I know you're scared of coming home and finding me dead on the kitchen floor, that you worry next time you come home I will have tried to do it again, but surely the way to deal with it isn't just to pretty much leave home is it?
You said it would probably be better for me to move in with my mum's house and maybe you're right. I told you, Find someone who will take my place in this flat and I will gladly leave. And that stands to this day. If you can find someone who will pay the money for this gorgeous home I will leave you in peace, because I'm sick of coming home to an empty flat every night, waking up lonely and having no one to talk to at home when I'm lonely.
I hope you read this because I lost the friend that I knew the day I tried to die and all I want is her back. But I lost the friend that I could say that to on that night too, November 24th 2007.

Tonight it hurts even more than it did before

2008-01-14T23:04:00.000Z

I'm lay in bed and i've given up on getting to sleep for tonight. My mind's in overdrive and my heart's racing - anxiety often gets the better of me. I go hot and cold and i shake, i want to cry all the time and i grind my teeth. Even the good things in life can't cheer this girl up. I'm so angry. Not at him but at myself for letting him break me. It hurts, just under my breastbone and there's a lump in my throat that grazes every time i speak, with every breath i take. I hate to admit it, but i miss him.

Back to life, back to reality.

2008-01-08T13:45:00.000Z

Every Monday night, I have a biology lecture from 6pm. Our lecturer takes pity on us and normally lets us leave at 8pm rather than 9, which is what it says on our timetables.
Biology has to be the most difficult and mind-numbingly boring subject ever! So I normally go home feeling uninspired due to the boredom, tired from all the yawning, and downhearted due to my lack of understanding of even the most basic parts of the lectures.
Last night - well, it was different. A friend who takes biology with me told me about a salsa dancing course that was starting last night not far from where the campus is. Well, I'm always game for something new, and what a great time!!
I went home with a smile on my face, my feet tapping, and all the stress from uni gone from my mind for the night.
I've managed to get everything sorted out today about me being behind on the course, too - I'm going to have to stay on for another 3 months (september to december) and then I can start a degree. I'm not going to apply for nursing at the moment, I just don't think my head's in the right state of mind to do the palliative care that I wanted to do. So after the 3 months extra to finish the modules I've fucked up on, I'll then be able to go on to do a joint honours or aomething along those lines.
So, back to the drawing board - back to choosing what subjects to do and all that jazz. It's for the best though, thats all that matters.

It don’t matter cause I’m the one that loves you best

2008-01-06T12:43:00.000Z

He finally made contact on saturday night - things on that front are a little tense but seem to be getting there. I hope.
He said, It's not long until I come home, I can't wait to see you, I've missed you so much over the last few weeks especially. He told me the reason he'd not been in contact and it isn't bullshit. He was touched when I remembered that it was only 10 days till he arrives home (8 now!) and I'm still SO excited about it. I can't help but think, though. What if it's destined to always be like this, what if we'll always be talking and then not talking? We seem to have this fatal attraction going on, like no matter what happens we can never seem to leave each other alone - i'd give the world for him and I'm just a bit worried that that's not healthy. Not that I don't enjoy it. I love the way he makes me get butterflies like no other and he seems to be able to tell what i'm thinking a lot of the time, how when i was lay in a hospital bed thinking how i'd messed me and him up, and how i desperately needed to get in touch to get my peace of mind - He made contact. How the things he tell me take me by complete surprise, yet i expect him to say exactly what he does. It's like, I know him inside out but yet I don't know him at all. How he makes me want to laugh and cry, smile and frown, how he makes my heart ache with happiness that we've got this and how my heart breaks that he can't be here every day. I think I always knew I'd end up with someone in the forces, someone who's not here all the time. But I won't complain, it makes our time together so much sore special and cherished. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is such an old cliche now that we forget it's meaning and that it's actually so true, the more someone isn't there, the more you care. You don't know what you've got until someone's sent 3000 miles away for 10 months.
And the song that played the first time he ever held me, it just rang so true. It was about me, about us. Sail away with me.

"Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times I've tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little Darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

I've been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now"
Sail Away - David Grey

The good days seem to be getting more regular and that can only be a good thing, can't it? I'm having a lot more 'me' time and doing things for me, and only me. Getting my hair cut, buying a new outfit, doing things to make myself happy. And I am. Not being what everyone else wants me to be, not doing what they want me to do.

Bumbling along seems to be suiting me fine at the moment. I started back at university today which I've been dreading, I've no idea what work I've not done over the holidays (time off for the head fuck, and all that jazz). I've a feeling I'm in for some major bollockings but these things just can't be helped. The workload's only going to get even bigger now we're a third of the way through the course and it's getting very scary.

Merry New Year!

2008-01-02T19:52:00.000Z

I said to him, Will you be non-judgemental, will you be there to catch my tears? And he said yes. I asked, Will you help me when all I want to do is take? Because he knew that’s not the life I want anymore. And he said, I will, I’ll be here forever to hold you, when you want to cry you will have my shoulder and I will never judge, no matter what you say. And I believed.

Christmas came and passed and now he’s seemingly gone from my life forever. He’s coming home on 15th January and now he won’t even talk to me because of something that isn’t my fault - my phone broke and he thought I was ignoring his texts, the screen wasn’t working so every time he called me I didn’t know who it was and answered by saying “Hi, who’s this?”
I got a message not long after. Reading it after the screen had been fixed, it said “So you’re just going to pretend that you don’t know who I am now are you?”
I miss him. A hell of a lot. Having someone there for you, always there to hear your problems and a shoulder to cry on. And now that’s gone.

I feel I can't talk to bestest anymore, we live together but she spends 99% of her time with her new bloke, which is fair enough - I’ve been known to do the same. I don't blame her at all, but I do feel lonely a lot of the time.
But to go to see her at the pub on boxing day and feel like I wasn’t wanted there, it wasn’t too great. I do miss her, I miss the way it used to be before - before the overdose, before me and the married man. I was a twat to go there.
I don’t feel particularly strong emotionally at the moment and I don’t feel like I’ve really got anyone to talk to - so I turn to you, my reader. I can’t help wanting not to be alone.
So I work. I work and work as much as I physically can, because at least I’m surrounded by people. I still don’t enjoy the part where I have to come home to an empty house but that can’t be helped. I have no control over it and so I stay at work as long as possible and come home and straight to bed. It's better than sitting alone every hour of the day and at least I get paid.
Or on my nights off I do this - go to Macdonalds across the road and sit with a watery cup of coffee, on the internet blogging and talking to the other lonely people out there.
The fun life I lead.

I'm not always like this - depressed, I mean. I have good days and bad days and I suppose today is one of those bad days really. Lonely and confused about what to do. There's a group of people that I know would take me back straight away - the ones that haven't got jobs and do drugs every day of the week, and they were the ones that I spent most of my time with in the weeks leading up to my overdose. So perhaps not a good idea to go there!
I still think about moving back in with my dad, but I need to get my life on track over here first, and hopefully by that time i'll be settled enough to not want to move half way across the world.
But maybe I will. The sun and the sand and the sea might do me a hell of a lot of good and if only i could move there now!!
I'll plod along and maybe find some new friends, maybe sort out the friendships that are breaking now. I want to, I just don't quite know how to.

2007-12-10T13:51:00.001Z

He made me happy for a while and then he made me sad. I thought I had feelings and maybe I did, maybe I didn't. All I know is they shattered like a glass that falls to the floor.
He never respected me, never felt for me, and now I know that.
I've thrown myself into work because to think of him hurts like hell - I can't and wont let myself do it too often. I hurts me in my head and in my heart and it makes my stopmach go weak. I stop eating and make myself ill and that can't happen.
I still haven't touched anything since it all happened. Smoking is my vice (we all have to have at least one vice, whether it's a cigarette or that glass of wine when you get home from work or the gram of speed you have on a friday night) and music keeps me sane.
I'm working my arse off to pay myself back the £150 that he owes me and I'm doing quite well, if I do say so myself. I'm enjoying working more than ever, I'm doing a combination of bar and kitchen work and it's one of the only things that's keeping me happy. My regulars come in on a Thursday and always manage to raise a smile and the kitchen banter keeps me laughing all day long.
I'm trying to get things in place for moving back home in the next couple of years - I think it's the best thing for me. It's a big step, halfway across the world but I've come to realise that it's probably the best thing for me. I need to get myself driving as soon as possible and get myself some kind of trade. I don't feel that nursing is right for me anymore, I'm not going to be able to cope with all the emotional shit that it'll involve. Maybe I can go back an retrain when I'm older. When my heads not a mess.
I'm thinking about perhaps asking to train to do catering at work, I'm not sure if they'll let me? But it's worth a try - you never know until you ask. If not there, then somewhere else, I just don't know how to go about finding somwehere else that wants a trainee chef! Scary, really...

Lifeline. (I've posted too much in the last 24 hours)

2007-12-02T16:45:00.001Z

These are the new beans.
Think I'm joking? Seriously, no more drugs for this Little Miss. I spent hours hunting for these today, my craving was massive.

Getting better is the best part.

2007-12-02T08:49:00.001Z

And in a way, recovery is nicer than not having been ill at all, the smallest footsteps are celebrated and things feel worthwhile.
They had to do twice daily blood tests to test blood clotting, something to do with the amount of time my blood takes to clot? Well apparently, the 'healthy' number for the test is 1.0, anything above this is dangerous as it means the liver is damaged. Mine crept up, Sunday it was 1.2 (not very dangerous, low enough for them to send me home without treatment) and then by the time I'd gone back in on Monday night, it had shot up to 1.9.
This is why I was seriously ill. They put me on drips, some antibody for the toxic shit I'd put inside me to bring my clotting count down and saline because i basically couldn't keep any fluids down for days.
Sick rX. Poor little me.
Not really... It was my own fault the first time, 5 big years ago, and this time round too and nothing will ever change that.
I met a lovely woman while I was in hospital, she was in the bed next to mine one night. She'd done the same thing. We're in close contact now, I've made a good new friend out of this. She knows how it feels and we've both said to each other, if you feel like this again then call me, no matter where you are or what time it is, just call me.
It's good to have someone I can call a friend who's been through the same thing, because if any of my other friends have been through it, they've kept it quiet up till now. It's difficult to talk about it face to face too. People asy, Why Did You Do It? and it's not as simple as just one reason and that's why, things build up and build up and get on top of you and there's no way out. You can't really understand it unless you've been there.
The next step was being able to write about it. At first my head blocked my memories, I didn't know what I'd done. At least know I can remember what happened.
Getting my appetite back. Not enjoying food sucks, especially when you're a food lover.
The best part so far? Coming home.
I couldn't stay in my lovely flat because bestest was going out with the new man and I was a bit scared of waking up in the night and being ill again, and being on my own. You shouldn't be on your own for the first few days after you've been in hospital. So quiet time with people around me for the next week or so I feel. I've already missed uni for 2 weeks so I wont be able to take any more time off, but I can't really afford to miss any more lectures or work.
I just want to embrace life and live it as it comes. Be happy and healthy. Start eating properly, I'm feeling like I want to be wholesome and make all my own food and bake cakes and be like that. Is that sad? Less drinking, it's bad for me anyway, inside my body and inside my head and inside my bank account. No drugs. No way. Not anymore. They helped the depression along and i was so scared that my blood tests would show the drugs i've been using in the last few weeks.
Let's say I've not exactly been clean.
Spend more time doing work and less time partying, I'll surely enjoy it much more then, wont I?
I just want to be better and to be happy.

I don't like talking about this shit, but writing this made me feel better.

2007-12-02T00:05:00.000Z

A lot of shit happened and I don't really know where to start. It started with me being down, so down that it made me ill. A week later, 4 weeks and a day after she attacked me, i got home after I'd had one shit day too many and I thought, I've Had Enough. On Saturday November 24th 2007 at 10pm, I tried to kill myself.
I took as many tablets as I could find, slashed my legs to ribbons and then cut my arm just for a bit of extra pain.
I'm sick of being messed about and feeling judged. Feeling like shit all the time just ain't my bag.
I spent the last 6 weeks drinking all my money away because I didn't know how else to make myself feel better and it really didn't work for me.
I turned up the music and waited for nothing - for the blank of death to come over me. Six hours later I woke up to a flat full of people (bestest mate had some people over) and immediately I knew it hadn't and wouldn't work.
I was sick. So sick. I called the ambulance and waited, then suddenly I was at hospital and I was all on my own. It was confusing and scary and lonely and it wasn't part of my plan, What Was Going To Happen Now?
They let me out on Sunday lunch time and basically told me I was fine to go home and I was better. I wasn't, I knew I wasn't. I was sick as a dog and on the bus home and I just knew it was all wrong. A day and a half later I was on the phone to NHS Direct, I was still ill and it was getting worse.
I was readmitted and sent to a specialist liver unit due to the damage my liver had got from the overdose and finally let out.
All in all, it's not really been the best of weeks, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Self pity isn't my style and I don't really feel sorry for myself, it's my own fault I was in there, and in a strange way I don't even really regret it. I don't want to do it again but I've always been the biggest believer of What Doesn't Break You Makes You and this has definitely made me, I feel stronger and I know that my body's will to live is stronger than how much I wanted to be dead. That's ben proven from how much better I am, considering on monday night I was pretty much paralysed from being sick.
So, liver damage, no painkillers (for the arthritis) for the next few weeks at least, your liver can't take it. No drinking for the next few weeks at last, and then in moderation - that's a blessing in disguise I feel.

I just feel a bit woozy and sore after crap beds and needles and cannula's in both hands. I missed my friends. I missed this. I hated not being able to write.
I'm back now my lovelies, and appreciating life because bloody hell - Life Is Amazing.
The next big test will be in March, the court date. She pleaded not guilty to 2 counts of assault with battery so me & M will both be witnesses against her. How fun, seeing as we are officially Not Speaking And Are We Fuck Together Because He Didn't Even Care His So Called Girlfriend Was In Hospital.
Sorry, had to get that one off my chest!
So yeah, court will be fun.

Bed calls... more soon, I promise you. lovexxx

2007-11-09T12:47:00.000Z

stressed, chain smoker, manic, depressive, binge drinker, avoiding study, poor.
is student life really worth it?
I think so, yeah. It might not be fun right now, stuck in the library with 2 hours to finish this assignment (i'm on a well earned break) but it'll be worth it when i get whetre i want to be. And I'm in the right place now. Happy with my man, happy with my family and my friends and just happy in general.
Yes i am still depressed but you know? it's not as bad now as it has been. I've been better but I've been far, far worse. I'm starting to reach that happy place again and that's where I like to be - don't we all? It's a long hard road, life in general. It's going to be hard for me and my family, it always has been, and studyings going to be a long hard slog. Me and M, that's hard and it'll get more difficult before it gets better, but you know? I don't really mind.

2007-11-05T14:13:00.000Z

I like him and most of my friends don't. Dos it make me a bad person for staying against the advice of my friends?
He makes me happy, so happy. He puts a permanent big smile of my face, like the happiest person alive. I'm making more friends and I'm just so happy. I might not be in love but I love him all the same for making me feel the way I do.
His ex wife may have attacked me last weekend (she's in court today to plead, I'm not sure if it'll be guilty or not guilty) but it can't change the way I feel. He was the one who held his arm out so the glass didn't hit my face, it hit his arm instead and then my hand. Police stations are scary at 3am. So are ambulances when your hand is pouring with blood.
The bar where it happened has been closed down because they wouldn't give the police any information.The bouncers stood there and laughed when it happened. How can a place like that stay open? They never even called the police.
This weekend was so nice. He held me in his arms and made me feel so at ease, somfortable in my own skin. Happy again. I don't need a man to keep me happy but it bloody helps. The constant reassurance.

University seems to be going well at the moment, I'm ahead of most of my work and I'm starting to apply for my degree/diploma this week. I was a bit unsure for a while but nursing is definitely what I want to do. I'm applying for a place doing voluntary at the local Macmillan Cancer Care unit which I must admit is a little scary but it'll be so worth it. I want to work with the people who haven't got a lot of time left and make life as easy and pain free for them as it can possibly be. I've always cared about others and it's the ideal career for me.

Things are good, life is peachy. My job is nice and I'm happy. My mums boyfriend spoke to me on Saturday for the first time in I don't know how long.
Things are looking up.

Undecided.

2007-10-15T20:47:00.000+01:00

I'm loud and quiet, wanting to get drunk and be sober. Fucked and clean. Alone, surrounded, single, in love, here, there, everywhere.
I hate it, I love it, I love the way it makes me feel inside and hate the way it makes me seem. Selfish, self centred, but I'm not, I don't want to be. They're childish, they're too mature, I'm too close to heaven and too close to hell, in limbo. Isn't that where the babies go when they die before they've been christened?