Home Sweet Home.

I've neglected writing on here for a long, long time. Life has been blissfully happy lately and I've not really felt the need to write. I've also been looking back on my older posts and feel a totally different person to who I was when I first started writing my thoughts and feelings on the internet.

So what's changed to make me write again?

Absolutely nothing. A lot of the people whose blogs I used to read, who used to read mine have disappeared off the radar. Nobody Girl, Divorce and Onwards, Tui, to name but a few who have all but vanished. Lippy Lipstick Lawyer, London Cokehead, they're gone too. And I disappeared for a while, over a yea in fact. But now I'M BACK!!

So what's new in the life of rX? Well I finally got my own flat, with my very own boy-toy to go with it. He doesn't know that I like to pour my heart out to the internet. We moved into our little home in January and it's been wonderful. Not even the leaky ceiling and draughty windows can dampen my spirit! Living here with him is wonderful, it's great not being anyone's dirty little secret and I actually like being a little housewife. I bake cakes and make bread, wash his shirts and nag him to hoover the stairs. I love it!

I am now a waitress at a very posh fine dining restaurant, all white tablecloths, putting the plates the right way in front of customers and wearing gloves to lay tables. I've really started to feel comfortable in my own skin in this job. It's taken a long time but I think I've finally settled.

I'm totally clean and have been for nearly two years now. The strongest thing to pass there lips nowadays is a cheeky mojito. I don't need chemical smiles anymore, I've got real ones where the chemicals used to be :)

No more sad girl- I'm back and better than ever :)

♥ ♥ ♥

'When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you...
When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.'

James Frey - A Million Little Pieces

I feel like I've been truly blessed, I've been given a second chance at happiness. I've held on with both hands and I wont let go easily. It took him time to realise what he wanted but I couldn't ask for a more kind and caring, sensitive man. He treats me like a princess.

That's not to say we haven't had bad times as well as the good. There have been some god awful times, but they've always been resolved. I'm a big believer in forgive and forget. Maybe that'll be my downfall one day... we shall have to wait and see.

Right now I'm content, that's all that matters. Another 6 months of saving and I'll be moving in to my own place.

Leaving the 'main' job and just working at the pub was the best thing I ever did. I used to work a 40 hour week and earn extra at the the pub- it was always 'me' time, more socialising than work. I never considered it as a job, just fun. See, now I'm only working there I feel like I've not got a job, I feel like I'm on a constant holiday. Amazing. Me and S work together quite a lot now, I think we're being primed for moving in to management. We'll see what happens there.

I've not really got much news. Life is good :)

What I want, what I need.

1. Visit Antarctica. I want to go to the only place on earth that belongs to no one.

2. Own my own house. I'm such a home girl at heart! I want it all, two kids, a dog, baking my own bread. Just a place of my own would be a start, I'm so sick of sharing with virtual strangers. I want a huge kitchen, a garden with cherry blossom, a house full of things.. I've got it all planned out already.

3. Do a summer of festivals. Me and S are planning on doing Bestival in September, money permitting, but it's not enough!! I want a summer of freedom.. next year, definitely.

4. Travel. A friend hitch hiked to Morocco last year and said it was the best thing she's ever done. I'd love to just give up everything, start walking and see where I end up.

5. Decide what I want to do when I grow up. Sick of working dead end jobs but still have NO idea what I want to do with my life.

6. Move back to South Africa. I need to be back there. There's a fuck of a lot of red tape and debt between me and home.

It's not a lot is it? Simple things keep me happy. I like simple. Simple doesn't hurt, simple doesn't make me cry. Complicated makes it feel like your body is breaking in to a thousand little pieces, like your heart is disconnected from your body, like you've been smashed with a sledgehammer.

No fairytale conclusion, y'all.

Me and S, we split up and I felt like my world was falling apart all over again. He'd helped me through everything and suddenly things went weird. Very very fucking weird. He'd not answer his phone, not turn up when he was meant to. And yet. Things were still very very normal when we were together.

I got sick of it, I sent him a text that simply said 'I think we should call it a day' and all I got in reply? 'I think you're right.'

I had left the new job and swapped it for full time at the pub where we both work before it was all over and working was difficult, people constantly asking how me and S were, having to explain every time that we'd split up.

And then.

He went missing. No one saw him or heard from him for a week, people were asking me if I'd seen him, I hadn't, I was too scared to call him cause I knew how I'd feel if he didn't pick up. Worried and scared for a week, he called me a week after he'd gone missing. He said, I need to talk to you, can I come to you, there's so much I need to say. Against my better judgement, I said yes, come here, explain what happened because I still don't understand?

In the time apart, not a word had been spoken between us, no desperate phone calls, nothing of the kind.

He was sober, he said he wanted to talk. I told myself I wouldn't cry: I did. We spent a week talking, we laughed, cried, slept, ate, watched films, got drunk together. The only time we spent apart was while I was at work, measly 4 hour shifts, it was like we were on holiday, drunk on each other, love-drunk.

When he disappeared.. the reason, he had been hit by a car, he was a bloody bruised mess, he lay in bed for a week, barely able to move. He said, all I wanted was for you to be there looking after me but I was too scared to make the call, too scared you'd say no. He said, when we finished I thought it was what I wanted, I'd spent so long looking for my ideal girl and you just weren't who was in my mind.. It was only when it was over I realised just how much I wanted you, needed you, there was something missing from my life when you weren't there, and that something was you. We joke that getting knocked over might have knocked some sense in to him, but it's no laughing matter.. I nearly lost him. He's back now. I'm so truly happy :)

This years inspiration.

It's time for a new start. He died, I mourned, I cried every night and I still do. This needs to stop. It's almost like rebranding myself, you know?

I've a new job andi've also left the pub I was working in. They helped me when I needed it, they let me work every hour I needed to so I could avoid the memories, but I need to go home. I need to put the tears to bed and dig out the smiles and the laughter.

There is a new man too. Bet you weren't anticipating that one. Me and S, we've known each other since I started at the pub just after the boy died. He has held my hand through the tears and always been my listening ear and my comforting shoulder. I wouldn't say I am falling for him, it is too soon for that, for either of us.

He is a man who is older than me. He has ben burnt badly by women in his past. He is scared to commit and wants to take this thing slowly. That's fine by me, because so do I. One day, we will be serious. I know it like I know my own name. It's not something we will talk about, or even think about consciously. But it will happen. One day I will roll over in bed, turn over, look at him, and I will know.

There are sometimes more tears than smiles, but then isn't that the case with every relationship, new or old?

I am being treated like a princess and my heart is healing. He holds my hand, cooks my dinner, holds me close every chance that he gets. I push him away sometimes, I seem to have this notion that everyone I love will die and so I push him away, I cry and he holds me, sobs racking my body as he tells me it's ok, he wont leave, that one day I'll feel better. I'm starting to believe him.

I'm moving forward with my life and there is a smile on my face a lot more than there was last time I posted on here. I needed a break from thinking about how I was feeling and three months on I am starting to be able to think again. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The 5 steps of grieg. I'd say I'm between depression and acceptance.

I'm getting there. 2010 is the year.

Grass stains, dresses, bare knees, sunglasses, blue sky.. heatwaves, sunshades, drinking all night, water fights...roll on summer :)

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message, He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden


It's time to stop thinking like this; He is gone, I am here, I need to move forward.

I miss him, but it's time.

A lot can happen in two years.

Look back two years and you'll see I wanted to be a nurse. I always did, I always have. I was moving towards it and I fucked up majorly. I fell in love with a man who captured my heart and my head all at once. I couldn't do it, something had to give so I dropped out of my foundation course at university.
I thought I'd thrown everything down the drain, he was gone, my dreams had gone, suddenly my future had fallen around my feet, shattered, irrepairable.

Two years on. Me and that man, we were on and off, on and off, on and off. We were nearly on again when he killed himself. It's been nearly two months and the pain is still red raw, burning tears, crying myself to sleep, can't watch TV, can't listen to the radio, can't see my friends in case I see or hear about love.

Me and that man, we might not have been the steadiest of relationships but then nothing easy was ever worth as much to me. Me and that man, we nearly had a baby until my body killed it. Can you blame us for falling apart? Me and that man, it was blissful happiness, it was mothercare, it was 'we need to get a place together,' it was 'I've given myself to you, whole and unbroken,' it was 'I always loved you even after what happened,' it was tragic, it was incredible, it was heartbreaking.

Two years on, two months on, I'm doing what he always urged me to do. I'm following my dreams, I'm not letting it pull me down. I'm living that old cliche- each day like it's my last.

Be proud of me baby, wherever you are... are you and beanie together? I hope so. He'll be safe with you.
Be proud of me baby. I'm going back to school, like you urged me to do. I was scared but when you went I realised... no one gets a second chance.

Be proud of me, wherever you are.