All that was left was the coldness in his eyes.

"I don't wanna die,
Don't expect me to die,
I've got my enemies within my sight,
We're looking through a stain-glass genocide.

I don't wanna die,
Don't expect me to die,
What's joy without the tears filling our eyes?
Memories of a perfect time.

We dream of nothing, or so we say,
We dream of discovering a perfect trail,
To the answers that will seal our pale-faces.

That can't happen now it's flickering out,
Will we meet again - i hope some how,
Even if we pass you on your way out."
Biffy Clyro - Atrocity

life's difficult, we all know that. people seem to enjoy making it more difficult too.
is there much point in ignorance, in bitchiness? in laughing and joking at someones expense not only behind their backs but also quite obviously in front of them?
ignoring someone you live in a house with?
in making someone going through hell feel even worse?
making sure i know what i'm making the wrong decisions?

my friends boyfriend was stabbed on saturday night in derby, by a fully grown man, for absolutely no reason. what is the world coming to?

it's hard, being completely ignored: both by friends and 'family'. it hurts knowing that one of your favourite people in the world barely thinks of you as a friend anymore.
it's difficult knowing that someone you care for a hell of a lot more than you realise is fucking their life up more then you could possibly imagine and there's nothing you can do to change that. how do you know what to say or do in these situations? i never stopped wondering why, and what could have happened and i think it'll take a long time yet for me to stop.
the world evolves and people grow older (and sometimes wiser), situations change beyond your control and still this is 'life as we know it'. i miss the simple life i had before, and i know i'll never experience it again. i'm still struggling and it's a long walk to freedom and happiness, i still don't know where i want to go with life, and to be honest i don't think i ever will. i stay up ever night worrying about it and still i dont know what to do.

i think moving in with my dad in cape town might be a good idea. new start and all that. once i've got my nvq and i've got the certificate and all that (which hopefully wont be too long, i need out sooner rather than later i think. i need to start saving up now so i'll just be able to get my ticket and go soon as i've finished all my business over here.
yeah, maybe i will miss england and all my friends here. maybe i will miss my crazy weekends with my beautiful friends, 3 hour conversations over the phone about nothing, random trips to random places (why does matlock always seem such a good idea? it never is!!!!). i need a new start, i've needed one for a long time.
i want to be able to walk around anonymous for a while while i sort myself out, and starting out from scratch. perhaps i will take up pixie's offer of the travel agent job (it could be fun, you never know...), maybe i will take up the job offer of apprentice piercer.
i'll be bale to spend time with my dad. not just holiday 'time', but real time, that's something i've never had and i've always wanted.