Teardrop.

"Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath"
Massive Attack -Teardrop.

I've got a lot of choices that i have to make for myself over the next few weeks.
people may help me (i know there's one or two that i'll always be able to confide in, no matter what) but it's got to come from within. these are big, fucking HUGE choices and if i was to say that they don't daunt me... well, i'd be lying more than just a little bit.
i'm still sick as a dog, there's times when i just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
last night on the way home from work (fat smelly person sat next to me on the bus, so not good...) i decided to go out down town with my mates.
i haven't done that in a long time. i saw some old friends, some people i didn't want to see, some people i really wanted to see, but when i saw them really regretted seeing them... all that kinda shebang.
and dear, dear M (i'll call him that for now)... we'd not spoken in what must be 3 years until last night. and just to hear those words from him, "I always wondered what if, and thought that it might have worked", well i don't think i've ever felt so happy, yet so sad in my life. he thought i hated him, as if i could.
he's changed more then i could ever know - he's a different person to who he was before. but you know, i saw a glimmer of the old him. there was still that sparkle in his eyes and the cheeky little grin and that was enough for me, just to know that he's npot changed 100%.

it's so sad, the way that some peoples lives just mess up. it's strange how my bad news can affect other people more than it affects me.
it's scary how i can let my secrets out so easily.

i spend half my life in bed and i can't wait for this to be over with, i really can't.
x