Sail Away With Me

Fuck it. Absolutely fuck it.
He hurt me inside and made me feel like I’m worthless. I don’t know why I was ever stupid enough to let myself fall for him, why I didn’t realise that it’d hurt too much, him being away from me all the time (let alone him fucking me over) and why the hell didn’t I just stay the fuck away? I liked feeling loved by someone and having someone on the other end of the phone pretty much every night and day and I took in all the sweet nothings he whispered to me over the phone and believed every bloody word.
I’m so embarrassed to have my friends asking me about him, and having to tell them what he’s done, that he’s come home and given me the best damn night of my life and then suddenly completely ignored me. He went back out there on Saturday and I’m still scared for him and I feel such an idiot for feeling like that. If he doesn’t care about me then why should I care for him?
I still do though.
It’s lonely. So so lonely.
I went out last night with 2 of my oldest friends and it was so lovely to go out with them because we haven’t had a nice girlie night in over a year, and then I realised that they were spending half the time on the phone to their boyfriends and I just felt so alone in the world.
I’ve had a major row with my mum this week which I thought we’d resolved. Sounds stupid, but we had a massive argument whilst putting up my wardrobe. She was incredibly rude to me all day, constantly telling me that I couldn’t afford this or that, she bought me the last carrier bags of my things from her house (18 years worth of swimming and dancing and school certificates that I‘d worked my arse off for), telling me that she was sick of having my ‘shit’ in her house.
She came to my new apartment and didn’t make a single nice comment about how lovely it is, just told me that I needed to clean the bathroom. I just got sick of her nagging, you know what I mean? Wells as far as I could tell it was all resolved on the day but apparently not. I called her last night asking if I could come to see her for a bit and she had to check with her boyfriend first to see if I could come over to see her. I’m unwelcome at her house because of him, she doesn’t want to come to see me because she wants to spend time with him, I cant go and visit my grandparents or my aunt and uncle with her anymore because he’s always there and I just feel unwelcome.
I moved out because of him and because I wanted her to be happy with him, not unhappy with me and him there (the arguments were unbearable) but I didn’t ask to be cut out of my family and never seeing my mum.
I’m stuck now things, what the hell do I do over Christmas? I wont spend it with her and him because of last year, when he walked out because I was back at home after being away for a month because I’d been kicked out. I don’t want to cause shit on Christmas again, not for my mum or for me. I don’t want her to be miserable, he’s already ruined one Christmas and birthday for her.
I don’t want to be with anyone but him. He’s there, in my head night and day. When I go to sleep and when I wake up, when I listen to music I know he likes and the music that was playing on the magical weekend where everything was perfect and he held me so close and tight, he held me like I’d never been held before and I’d never felt so close to anyone in my entire life.

"Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times I've tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little Darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

I've been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now"