Merry New Year!

I said to him, Will you be non-judgemental, will you be there to catch my tears? And he said yes. I asked, Will you help me when all I want to do is take? Because he knew that’s not the life I want anymore. And he said, I will, I’ll be here forever to hold you, when you want to cry you will have my shoulder and I will never judge, no matter what you say. And I believed.


Christmas came and passed and now he’s seemingly gone from my life forever. He’s coming home on 15th January and now he won’t even talk to me because of something that isn’t my fault - my phone broke and he thought I was ignoring his texts, the screen wasn’t working so every time he called me I didn’t know who it was and answered by saying “Hi, who’s this?”
I got a message not long after. Reading it after the screen had been fixed, it said “So you’re just going to pretend that you don’t know who I am now are you?”
I miss him. A hell of a lot. Having someone there for you, always there to hear your problems and a shoulder to cry on. And now that’s gone.

I feel I can't talk to bestest anymore, we live together but she spends 99% of her time with her new bloke, which is fair enough - I’ve been known to do the same. I don't blame her at all, but I do feel lonely a lot of the time.
But to go to see her at the pub on boxing day and feel like I wasn’t wanted there, it wasn’t too great. I do miss her, I miss the way it used to be before - before the overdose, before me and the married man. I was a twat to go there.
I don’t feel particularly strong emotionally at the moment and I don’t feel like I’ve really got anyone to talk to - so I turn to you, my reader. I can’t help wanting not to be alone.
So I work. I work and work as much as I physically can, because at least I’m surrounded by people. I still don’t enjoy the part where I have to come home to an empty house but that can’t be helped. I have no control over it and so I stay at work as long as possible and come home and straight to bed. It's better than sitting alone every hour of the day and at least I get paid.
Or on my nights off I do this - go to Macdonalds across the road and sit with a watery cup of coffee, on the internet blogging and talking to the other lonely people out there.
The fun life I lead.


I'm not always like this - depressed, I mean. I have good days and bad days and I suppose today is one of those bad days really. Lonely and confused about what to do. There's a group of people that I know would take me back straight away - the ones that haven't got jobs and do drugs every day of the week, and they were the ones that I spent most of my time with in the weeks leading up to my overdose. So perhaps not a good idea to go there!
I still think about moving back in with my dad, but I need to get my life on track over here first, and hopefully by that time i'll be settled enough to not want to move half way across the world.
But maybe I will. The sun and the sand and the sea might do me a hell of a lot of good and if only i could move there now!!
I'll plod along and maybe find some new friends, maybe sort out the friendships that are breaking now. I want to, I just don't quite know how to.