life laundry.

I'm off work until tuesday of next week and I am having a decidedly nice time. Lately I have been somewhat down so it's just lovely to feel good about things again.

While being off I have realised just how much I don't enjoy my job and so I am on a major job hunt. I have ummed and ahhed about it for the last month or two but nothing has made my mind up as much as the last 3 days have. So what direction do I go in? I applied for a trainee assistant managers job about a month ago, I have been offered an interview for that but the interview isn't for a while yet. It is an expanding pub and bar company, they say the are really impressed with my cv/experience but haven't got any vacancies for the next few months. the waiting game has begun! while that really is my ideal job i don;t want to sit around waiting on something which may amount to absolutely nothing in the future. i'm a little confused about what else to do but that's something i am working out for myself at the moment. work in progress.

the boy and i have been 'in talks' for the last week or two. we have been seeing each other for while now and while we feel a lot for each other (i know i do for him, anyways) we both are undecided about whether we can take things further yet. i think we both want to. he's been hurt one too many times and as for me... well i am sure some of you know my story. not a pretty emotional portrait. i'm happy with the way my life has gone so far but dont know if i'm ready yet to be caring for someone else byet. after all last time that happened, we were all ready to set up family and then baby was lost. i dont want my past to scar me forever but i do know that it will hurt for a long time to come.

I will never forget that day. he was home. i'd told him as soon as i knew and he was scared but excited. we lay in bed. we talked, we held each other close, it'd been two long months of craving him and he was there finally. we were in a hotel, posh, four stars, champagne and strawberries, room service, the works. the most beautiful and most painful day of my life. i got out of bed ready to bath, get ready for a nice relaxed day, we were going to have a nice day trip and a picnic.
there was blood on the sheet, on me, everywhere.when people say 'i cried for 2 days solid' you never quite believe them, do you? it's possible. i bathed, i cried, i put my mascara on, i cried it back off, he held me, i cried, he fed me, i cried. i cried, i cried, i cried.
and then he left me. blamed me, not outright, but i knew it was there.
but that was ok. I blamed me too.

Life laundry. I am getting better now. I dont think about him or her every day, not anymore. i am getting on with my life. cleaning my act up. I don't go out every night and take drugs, i don't drink myself into a stupor every night, i dont cat myself to ribbons and i don't dream about taking my life anymore. i am me. i am fixing myself up.