Tiny Dancer.

"Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today"
Elton John - Tiny dancer

i see faces everywhere. innocent, hauntingly beautiful baby faces. i feel like i'm doing wrong but i know i'm making the right choice. i can barely look after myself, let alone another person.
this morning i sat in the bathroom wit hot, gulping tears streaming down my face. it's the first time i've cried since i found out about it and though it felt good, i don't even know why i was crying. i'm empty inside - i don't feel anything. perhaps i'm still in shock over it all. i've told too many people about this. when i found out, you know i didn't plan on telling anyone at all... i was going to keep this secret from everyone. i wish i had now. not from everyone, but i wish i'd not told some people.
i was talking to greg last night, he's suggested that when this is all over i go away for a few days, somewhere out the way just to think things over and sort my head out a bit. it's a bloody good idea and i'm definitely going to do it. a weekend away from it all, the place and the people, it's exactly what i need. no distractions. just 'me' time.
time goes by slowly when you're waiting. i sit and wonder what i'm going to tell people at work, wonder how i'm going to manage to get time off for things. i wonder how i could have been so stupid, if it's wise to tell my mum (it isn't). if people i used to trust i can still trust not to say anything - friday night's comment in front of everyone was a bit of a stunner, i must say.
i've wanted this all my life and now it's happened i just want it to go away - it's too soon, i'm too young.
i can't put up with my friends crying and being upset because of this, if anyone should be crying it's me. it might be brutal and unfair but i really cant deal with it right now.

This is about the stage i'm at at the moment

i don't know if i can do this.

i've been thinking a lot today. broken, fragmented memories, like shards of glass that'm trying to pick up. but all they do is hurt me.
i remember vivid sunsets from my childhood, climbing the old tree in dads front garden and getting too scared of falling to come down. innocence. pat in her old yellow jumper. the smell of freshly cut grass. 4 hour car journeys in the bakkie to see my dad.
my life wasn't that different to people's over here. but then again, it was never the same.
older, high school, meeting my first true friend. that lasted for almost 4 years, and now i'm losing you. i don't want to lay blame on anyone. i just miss you.

john donne said that 'no man is an island' and that's a good thing to remember. but remember sometimes it's good to be an 'island', if only for a few hours. take time to look back and remember. people might have hurt you - think about it, wonder if you can forgive them. it hurts less being friends than it does being friends you know.
no one's ever made me feel so happy but so sad over such a long period of time. i want to reach out, to tell you that i need you, i miss you. i need your friendship. you're my rock, you have been for so long, and i'm lost without you. we can be fine, and then someone says something and it all goes to pot... i miss the way we used to be.
i miss you.