Poorly//sick

Lay in his bed (yes, i still sleep in it) on my own last night, as he is away for the weekend.
i've been i'll the last week-ish. sore throat, swollen glands, stomach pains, headache, lightheaded. so dizzy in the shower the other day i had to sit down. so little energy i sat there for half an hour before being able to stand up.
last night it was the cold sweats, the shakes. all night. i couldn't breathe. i watched blood and chocolate on repeat.
i barely sleep at night and i can't keep myself away during the day.
i've had a blood test. they suspect it's glandular fever. i find out next week. i've got to rest, relax, take it easy. it's not hard to follow doctors orders - i simply dont have the energy to do anything, it's been taxing walking 5 minutes to the internet cafe.
there's a barbecue at my old best mates house tomorrow, i really want to go. i've not seen her in too long and despite how far apart we've grown, i miss her like hell.
i'm thinking about moving back home. i don't think i can though. i miss being with my mum and seeing all my friends, but you know, home... it's scary. i don't want to lose what i've got here, and i know if i go back, i'll lose this.
thats what scares the hell out of me.
he's been good over the last week. helped keep a smile on my face through it all, it's hard not to be down when you're unwell.
but i'm happy with things at the moment, all the same.

i have dreams where we're shouting, screaming at each other. sometimes it turns violent. i don't know why. i don't see that either of us have the capabilities to hurt the other in that way.
cruel words are said and the truth comes out. not all of the dreams have good endings. i wake up crying. i've been sleeping badly apparently. he has to wake me sometimes to stop the dreams. i kick and cry out.
i think it's because i'm scared.