A lot of shit happened and I don't really know where to start. It started with me being down, so down that it made me ill. A week later, 4 weeks and a day after she attacked me, i got home after I'd had one shit day too many and I thought, I've Had Enough. On Saturday November 24th 2007 at 10pm, I tried to kill myself.
I took as many tablets as I could find, slashed my legs to ribbons and then cut my arm just for a bit of extra pain.
I'm sick of being messed about and feeling judged. Feeling like shit all the time just ain't my bag.
I spent the last 6 weeks drinking all my money away because I didn't know how else to make myself feel better and it really didn't work for me.
I turned up the music and waited for nothing - for the blank of death to come over me. Six hours later I woke up to a flat full of people (bestest mate had some people over) and immediately I knew it hadn't and wouldn't work.
I was sick. So sick. I called the ambulance and waited, then suddenly I was at hospital and I was all on my own. It was confusing and scary and lonely and it wasn't part of my plan, What Was Going To Happen Now?
They let me out on Sunday lunch time and basically told me I was fine to go home and I was better. I wasn't, I knew I wasn't. I was sick as a dog and on the bus home and I just knew it was all wrong. A day and a half later I was on the phone to NHS Direct, I was still ill and it was getting worse.
I was readmitted and sent to a specialist liver unit due to the damage my liver had got from the overdose and finally let out.
All in all, it's not really been the best of weeks, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Self pity isn't my style and I don't really feel sorry for myself, it's my own fault I was in there, and in a strange way I don't even really regret it. I don't want to do it again but I've always been the biggest believer of What Doesn't Break You Makes You and this has definitely made me, I feel stronger and I know that my body's will to live is stronger than how much I wanted to be dead. That's ben proven from how much better I am, considering on monday night I was pretty much paralysed from being sick.
So, liver damage, no painkillers (for the arthritis) for the next few weeks at least, your liver can't take it. No drinking for the next few weeks at last, and then in moderation - that's a blessing in disguise I feel.
I just feel a bit woozy and sore after crap beds and needles and cannula's in both hands. I missed my friends. I missed this. I hated not being able to write.
I'm back now my lovelies, and appreciating life because bloody hell - Life Is Amazing.
The next big test will be in March, the court date. She pleaded not guilty to 2 counts of assault with battery so me & M will both be witnesses against her. How fun, seeing as we are officially Not Speaking And Are We Fuck Together Because He Didn't Even Care His So Called Girlfriend Was In Hospital.
Sorry, had to get that one off my chest!
So yeah, court will be fun.
Bed calls... more soon, I promise you. lovexxx
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