I gotta get through this...

I've given up totally. He broke me and then he made me and then he broke me again.

Saturdat night, an hour on the phone to him, us both in tears. He said, I'm sorry, I was a fool, I was an idiot. We can make this work, Will you give me another chance, I need to see you again.
And I fucking stupidly believed him. My heart was leaping with joy and you couldn't take the smile off me face but why was it such a surprise to me when he decided to start ignoring me again on monday?

So I reacted in the only way I know how. I got fucked. I mean mega chewing my face off, numb gums, 'i love everyone' fucked. Not even funny fucked. I hate myself for letting him do this to me.

It's lonely. You know?

I'm getting better though. Things are looking up. I've managed to get myself a place on the degree that I'm going to do in January next year so that's good. Travel and Tourism & Hospitality Management. Nursing wont be for me, my head state isn't right, what with the overdose and all of that shit. I've managed to drop biology (I was failing anyway) and instead I'm doing Cultural Studies and Business. It all seems really good so far. It'll mean extension of my studies but it'll be worth it in the long run. I can get a job out in South Africa with my dad, the tourism industry out there is booming and most importantly it's not here.

It's getting late and I'm tired. I find sleep so difficult nowadays and when I do sleep it's restless and panicked. I have awful dreams dominated by bad thoughts, i twist and turn constantly and I cry. I wake up and I'm crying, I'm sobbing and I don't know why. I go hot and cold through the night, I'm constantly waking up and taking the covers off, pulling them back on, taking them off, pulling them on. I don't understand why my sleep has suddenly gone so bad - it's always been quite crap but never this bad.

Things are a little better with myself and the flatmate, I've spent a little more time with her over the last week and we've got more time together arranged.

Up and down. I don;t know what's happening. I feel like things are changing so much at the moment, in a big way. I'm trying my best to get better and I just don't know the best way to go about that. I'm quite worried about the new module I'm about to start in psychology, We'll be covering things like suicide and depression in depth and I'm scared it'll all be a little too close to home for me. I'm a bit scared about that but i'll get through it. I'll get through it somehow.