Girl Power and Table Shopping

"I dont need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing

I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around"

The girls are back in town. Doing it our way, having fun, being spontaneous, keeping our heads up high. Turning heads with our gorgous looks and making people smile with our infectious laughter.
It was birthday weekend, my best friends on thursday and mine on friday. naturally it was party time and good fun was had by all. I put him to the back of my head and only once thought "It'd be perfect if he was here"
I'm goign to move on, he'll no longer be such a huge part of my life.
But yet.
He text me, 2:30am saturday morning. "I am sorry x x" and it made my heart leap with happiness. I replied when i saw the text on saturday morning: no answer. Obviously one of those drunken texts then.
I want to hate him for it but I just end up hating myself even more because I let him make me feel this way. His voice was the soundtrack to the last 12 months of my life, no matter what happened he was always there and I miss that more than anything. He would have helped me fall asleep on the nights like this and he would have helped me figure out how to go about getting all these money problems sorted out. I need him.
It's past 11 and I should be sleeping - i've got a big test in psychology at 10am, if i dont pass it i'll be majorly in the big shit.
I'm still trying my best to keep happy, spontaniety is a big part of that. Not falling in to the same old routine again, doing things differently. Bingo with the girlies on tuesday night was a part of that, as was table shopping on Saturday morning. Got a gorgeous little kitchen table, and a bloody great bargain too!! Salsa classes are keeping me happy too. University isn't. I'm scared about money now that I'm the only one earning out of me and the flatmate - I've never been in a position where I earn more money than her before. And I don't like it. I'm going to be covering all the bills and the rent, I don't know ho long for. I don't know how to talk to her about it all, I can't afford to be paying for 2. It's hard enough paying for one. And I don;t know how to say, I miss the old you, the one that spent time with me, the one that didn't stay at her boyfriends house every night. The one that I wouldn't be scared to talk to. The one who'd be here now, talking to me, so I didn't feel alone. I know I was the one that caused the split and I'm so sorry for that. If you're reading this, I am so so sorry for what I did. I know you're scared of coming home and finding me dead on the kitchen floor, that you worry next time you come home I will have tried to do it again, but surely the way to deal with it isn't just to pretty much leave home is it?
You said it would probably be better for me to move in with my mum's house and maybe you're right. I told you, Find someone who will take my place in this flat and I will gladly leave. And that stands to this day. If you can find someone who will pay the money for this gorgeous home I will leave you in peace, because I'm sick of coming home to an empty flat every night, waking up lonely and having no one to talk to at home when I'm lonely.
I hope you read this because I lost the friend that I knew the day I tried to die and all I want is her back. But I lost the friend that I could say that to on that night too, November 24th 2007.