He made me happy for a day and then he made me sad again and as I much as I just want and need to say goodbye, I physically can't. I hate feeling like this but I can't help it?
No amount of Kate Nash and Robyn sing-alongs can heal this wound; it still hurts with every heartbeat. It's his birthday today and all I wanted was to speak to him but like that was going to happen? and to top it all off tomorrow is the year anniversary of the abortion, just tomake me feel even better. I've got no little baby and I've got no him. Depression is a beast that eats away at your thoughts, at your mind, at your wellbeing and nothing can make it go away. Sitting here with a cigarette and a glass of wine does nothing, and all I want to do is withdraw all the money in my account and blow the whole fucking lot on something to get me off my head again.
I want to write with beauty and with eloquence again and I can't - this pain isn't beautiful, it's a hole eating at me and it make me howl, makes me moan with the pain. I remember how I was this time last year and I can honestly say I was better then than I am now.
Then I was pregnant and unwelcome in my own home with a great group of friends who looked after me through the hell of having an abortion.
Today I am lonely and alone, worrying about money and wondering if I'll ever speak to the man that means the wrold to me again.
So many things have happened in the last year. I have left home for good, become independent, become a dependent gibbering wreck, tried to kill myself again, lost one of my best friends, killed my own child, lost the man that means the world to me, turned into someone who can't go more then a day without a drink. Stopped slagging about, become a student again, lost a job, taken back my old job, realised I hate it, faced up to my problems. Been a mans live-in mistress, been the victim of assault (I don't blame her at all), made amazing friends, lost brilliant friends, witnessed first hand a cousin who's been like a sister to me go through divorce, given in to drug cravings and realised that in many ways I'm a failiure, I've failed myself, my friends and my family.
And I don't know how to make this mess right.
Maybe I need to get some help. Again.