A year ago yesterday I was preganant and now a year ago today I'm not, and it's a bit of a scary thought. I'm not sure what to feel, happy or sad or what. All I can think of is the shit that it caused me, how all I ever wanted to do was tell my mum but I was so scared of what she might so. So to this day she doesn't know and she never will. And I remember what he said to me about it, "I know that it might upset you and get you down but that just means I am going to do all that I can to pick you up and make you happy again" and has that happened?
My best mate was upset about the whole episode, because all she's ever wanted is kids.
But that's all I've ever wanted too.
She didn't like the way I asked her to keep it secret and then I wrote about in my blog because she'd felt so guilty about confiding in other people (i understand her telling people, they're good friends of mine too and i know that to share a secret halves the burden). She felt like she's had to keep it a secret for nothing, because I'd gone and told people anyway.
But the point was, it was my secret to tell, and when I spoke out, it was when i needed to make it known because people were starting to talk about how down i was. All i ever wanted was a quiet life and I was sick of the strange looks for how down I was. On the outside I had everything but on the inside I was bare and raw and sick and tired and cold and lonely. I missed that little being inside me, despite that I'd killed it, it was my baby and it was a part of me and it was what I'd wanted for forever.