The Language of Gestures

"If at large gatherings or parties, or around people with whom you feel distant, your hands sometimes hang awkwardly at the ends of your arms - if you find yourself at a loss for what to do with them, overcome with sadness that comes when you recognize the foreignness of your own body - it's because your hands remember a time when the division between mind and body, brain and heart, what's inside and what's outside, was so much less. It's not that we've forgotten the language of gestures entirely. The habit of moving our hands while we speak is left over from it. Clapping, pointing, giving the thumbs-up: all artefacts of ancient gestures. Holding hands, for example, is a way to remember how it feels to say nothing together. And at night, when it's too dark to see, we find it necessary to gesture on each other's bodies to make ourselves understood." The History of Love - Nicole Krauss (one of my favourite books ever)

I don't crave the emotional side anymore (although it would be nice)- I hate getting involved because it's inevitable, it always ends in my tears. I miss the tenderness and the close contact, skin on skin, feeling someone else's heart beat close to my own. The laguage of gestures. The hand on the small of my back as he leans in to whisper to me that says, Always Be This Close. The back of his hand stroking my cheek that says, I Need You, I Care About You.
Happiness and sadness have always seemed to be inextricably linked. For me at least. Highly emotional, my moods bounce from one extreme to another. And yet. The sadness lingers like a ghost, hanting my bones and my very soul - when I'm happy, it's incredibly easy for me to remember how low i was the day before - when i'm down it seems impossible for me to comprehend happiness and joy. I'm on quite a level at the moment, i think. Although I am up and down, i'm managing to not let it affect me as much as it sometimes does.
Despite all this crap with him - is he coming home? isn't he? i'm coping. keeping myself on a level, not getting my hopes up just for them to be dashed.
sometimes i even manage to not panic myself too mcuh.
it's not often, i'll admit, but sometimes i manage to get in bed and fall asleep nearly straight away, without the usual 3 hours of tossing and turning, worrying and panicking about things.