Monday, 9 November 2009

A lot can happen in two years.

Look back two years and you'll see I wanted to be a nurse. I always did, I always have. I was moving towards it and I fucked up majorly. I fell in love with a man who captured my heart and my head all at once. I couldn't do it, something had to give so I dropped out of my foundation course at university.
I thought I'd thrown everything down the drain, he was gone, my dreams had gone, suddenly my future had fallen around my feet, shattered, irrepairable.

Two years on. Me and that man, we were on and off, on and off, on and off. We were nearly on again when he killed himself. It's been nearly two months and the pain is still red raw, burning tears, crying myself to sleep, can't watch TV, can't listen to the radio, can't see my friends in case I see or hear about love.

Me and that man, we might not have been the steadiest of relationships but then nothing easy was ever worth as much to me. Me and that man, we nearly had a baby until my body killed it. Can you blame us for falling apart? Me and that man, it was blissful happiness, it was mothercare, it was 'we need to get a place together,' it was 'I've given myself to you, whole and unbroken,' it was 'I always loved you even after what happened,' it was tragic, it was incredible, it was heartbreaking.

Two years on, two months on, I'm doing what he always urged me to do. I'm following my dreams, I'm not letting it pull me down. I'm living that old cliche- each day like it's my last.

Be proud of me baby, wherever you are... are you and beanie together? I hope so. He'll be safe with you.
Be proud of me baby. I'm going back to school, like you urged me to do. I was scared but when you went I realised... no one gets a second chance.

Be proud of me, wherever you are.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

that's awesome. you are turning your life around and that is an incredible thing. happiness won't exist unless you believe it can.


(i believe it can)