It's time for a new start. He died, I mourned, I cried every night and I still do. This needs to stop. It's almost like rebranding myself, you know?
I've a new job andi've also left the pub I was working in. They helped me when I needed it, they let me work every hour I needed to so I could avoid the memories, but I need to go home. I need to put the tears to bed and dig out the smiles and the laughter.
There is a new man too. Bet you weren't anticipating that one. Me and S, we've known each other since I started at the pub just after the boy died. He has held my hand through the tears and always been my listening ear and my comforting shoulder. I wouldn't say I am falling for him, it is too soon for that, for either of us.
He is a man who is older than me. He has ben burnt badly by women in his past. He is scared to commit and wants to take this thing slowly. That's fine by me, because so do I. One day, we will be serious. I know it like I know my own name. It's not something we will talk about, or even think about consciously. But it will happen. One day I will roll over in bed, turn over, look at him, and I will know.
There are sometimes more tears than smiles, but then isn't that the case with every relationship, new or old?
I am being treated like a princess and my heart is healing. He holds my hand, cooks my dinner, holds me close every chance that he gets. I push him away sometimes, I seem to have this notion that everyone I love will die and so I push him away, I cry and he holds me, sobs racking my body as he tells me it's ok, he wont leave, that one day I'll feel better. I'm starting to believe him.
I'm moving forward with my life and there is a smile on my face a lot more than there was last time I posted on here. I needed a break from thinking about how I was feeling and three months on I am starting to be able to think again. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The 5 steps of grieg. I'd say I'm between depression and acceptance.
I'm getting there. 2010 is the year.
Grass stains, dresses, bare knees, sunglasses, blue sky.. heatwaves, sunshades, drinking all night, water fights...roll on summer :)