little girl, don't cry.

it's spring.
it rains at night and by the morning it's dry and sunny again. the sky is white as a pearl but it isn't cold. the weather at night time reflects my moods. rain when i'mn depressed. humid and hot when i'm restless and can't sleep.
i love hearing the rain on the roof. that reminds me of home. the sun on my skin is like the whisper of a memory, times gone by come flooding back in the summer. hot beaches and summer holidays, spending days just lazing about at various places from my childhood.
my dad.
i still cry a lot, still for no particular reasons, but things are getting better.
i might be getting a part time job in the next few weeks, and starting university in september. voluntary work at the hospital to help me along the way. i'm going to be a nurse.
i walk around derby at night sometimes, just to get away from it all and clear my mind from the things that get me down. my footsteps echo along the pavements and it's good to be able to do this without people staring.
it was nice the other night. rain on the roof, 3 in the morning, lay in his bed talking.
he held my hand for the first time. we talked about things we never talked about before. his past. his alcoholism, his little girl, the happiest day of his life - when she was born.
i get so upset for him, the mother of his little girl has really fucked up views, she'll suddenly decide to ignore him and that'll be it, he wont see his daughter for maybe another 3 or 4 weeks. maybe longer. my heart breaks for him, cracked into pieces. he's become one of the biggest parts of my life, he's helping me through this and he's like an angel. he makes me laugh, and it makes me cry, when he goes.
and the thought of being kicked out of my home, being away from him, it's like i'm being stabbed in that shattered heart of mine.
i've spoken to some old friends lately and it's good to know that i haven't lost everyone. sometimes it just feels like i'm being engulfed by these huge waves. crashing all around me, bearing the full amount of their weight onto me.
it isn't healthy, the way i'm living life at the moment. up and down, high and low, up down up down updownupdownupdownupdown...
i miss the days in coffee shops when we used to people watch. i miss camping in my back garden. i miss sunbathing on whitemoor. i miss obsesing about stupid things. i miss waking up without a fucked up head. i miss knowing exactly how the day was going to be.
i miss it all.