Broken feelings and torn apart hearts.

I've had a very different week. very low lows, and very high highs.
Monday was particularly bad. My support worker came to see me, I spent nearly an hour and a half crying to her about how pointless it all seems to be. She helped me a lot. I spoke to her more explicitly than i ever have done before. About the abortion, how i count down the weeks to when i would have been a mum. it's not healthy to think about it, i know, but in around a months time i could have had my own baby. but what did i do? i killed it.
we talked about feelings, about love. she told me, when you know, you know. when there's someone in your life that you'd do anything for, whether they ask you to or not, that's the person you love.
i told her i already felt that way about him. and that i wanted him more than anything else in the world, that he's the only one i'll never have in the way i want to. he's the one who can put a smile on my face just by popping his head round the door, by the way that whenever he goes out i ask for a hug, and i get a hug and a kiss in return.
I had a nice night with him that night. He still knows how to make me smile.
i've started staying in his room a lot more now, and i've realised how much i missed it. how he holds me close and holds my hand while i fall asleep.
the way that my head fits perfectly in the space between his shoulder blades, and i always find it there when i wake up.
his smell, his smile, the way i have to wake him up with coffee every morning to make sure he gets to work. how i hate having to get out of bed for him, but as much as i hate it, i also want to do it.
Tuesday, the first time he'd every commented to me that i looked nice. I love the wiggly feeling in my tummy and the lump in the back of my throat, and i like the fact that i at least now know that it wont ever happen. better the devil you know. rather than hoping and praying whenever we're together, now i can savour every moment.