My Own Summer (Shove It)

Have you ever? Have you ever missed someone so much that it hurts? That everything aches with wanting to see that one person, that you count down the days and hours until you'll next see them? My friend is in the armed forces, in the middle east right now. I had to leave all my photos of him behind. Not because i don't want to see them. Because I want to see them too much. Far too much. I could lose hours, whole days staring at them and remembering.

I can't explain why i feel so down at the moment, things seem to be going well. I went to a job fair yesterday and spoke to the NHS careers service and they're helping me apply for a nursing diploma at University of Nottingham. They're also helping me to apply as a NHS bank HCA. It's all very exciting. So why the hell don't i feel excited about it??

I feel a little helpless about things. Like whenever he goes out. I know he's sleeping with the mother of his child: i heard him on the phone to her. He either doesn't realise it hurts me, or thinks i don't know.
I'm still sleeping around. I know it hurts me and i still do it. I don't really care anymore. I just want to feel a bit of love and affection every now and then, is that so bad? I guess not. It's just the way i go about it that's bad. I burn holes in my heart and make myself cry too often. I'm like a different person to the one i was a few weeks again and it isn't a good change. I want to be off my face all the time. I dont care how. Drugs or alcohol, I really don't mind. I want, need to forget about the money situation. The situation with him.
I can't believe he's sleeping with her. He's always told me he hates her. Was everything else a lie too?

"The shade is a tool,
A device,
a savior
See, i try and look up
To the sky,
But my eyes burn"
Deftones