Everything that reminds me of you.

Text messages in hospital beds. Hotel rooms. The letters you wrote to me from wartorn countries. Your red mini. Leading weapons engineer artificer. The words. "I can't have that, I can't have you there with me, close, and then have to leave you." [so you didn't even try?] Sail away. The good days. The bad days.I blame me too you know.

*

It was never a great romance. We never did the whole dinner dates and holding hands thing. He was never here for long enough. There was something there though. A magnetism, animal attraction if you like. I wanted him the moment I saw him. I thought, One day, one day he'll be with me. There were weeks of darkness, of not knowing where he was and how he was doing. War does funny things to men. The leaping of my stomach every time i got a message or a phone call. I'd think, This could go one of two ways. And then it ended. Just like that, he was gone from my life.

It wasn't a tragedy but it felt like it. My heart cracked the day he stopped replying. I knew then. I thought, This is what it feels like when your world turns upside down and your heart falls out. You can't fix something broken like that, tears aren't strong enough. Tears were all I had.

I found out last night.

He died from a drug overdose. He was found at 3:14am. Collapsed on the floor, he'd choked on his own vomit. Overdose isn't the drifting off to sleep, no pain way of death that people seem to think it is. It's the dirty, dark way to die.

I'll miss you.x