There'll you'll be.

shower. i scrub at my skin until it is red raw and bleeding.
there is a savage elegance to pain, to tears streaming down your face. i scream, howl, a wordless sound of pain. still it is not enough. i want to be naked, clean, pure. no contamination.
that will never be, as much as i hope and dream. too much has happened for that. this is a cancer of my heart, the pain grows and swells as i keep on using lies to hide it. people ask if they can join me in the walk through life but they soon realise that this is a solitary.
i walk alone. whether i want to or not.
i want to come clean. i want to break free. i want to rewind so i could have a chance to tell everyone how i felt. i want to stand on the rooftops and tell everyone what's happened to to keep them away.

*

and then i lost you. i miss the way you made me laugh, you made me cry. the sound of loneliness is bitter, travelling for miles in the darkness. the ground and the trees glitter and remind me of better times. i am laying underneath a blanket of quiet desperation that never seems to go away, hope that i can leave or that you will see what lies beneath.
I could float here forever, waiting for you, if only i had assurance that you'd someday be mine.
my heart was both mended and shattered the day that you came back. shard of glass dig deep into my palms, forcing me to cry out to you, and still you do not hear.