Wires.

"You got wires going in
You got wires coming out of your skin
You got tears making tracks
I've got tears that are scared of the facts"

and scared of the facts i was. i didn't cry once on monday, no matter how scared i was. and i wasn't just scared. i was petrified. i don't think i've ever felt quite as terrified as i was. what if i9t went wrong? what if it didn't work properly and i ended up having to have the open surgery that they'd said there was a risk of?
i was ruthless and not a little bit brave. bravery would have been telling my mum and facing the consequences. bravery would have been having a baby. it only just started to sink in this afternoon at work, what i've done, and i've been fighting back the tears ever since.
i killed a baby. peraps it was loiving and breathing independantly yet, but it would have done eventually.
it would have been about the size of my palm right now.
i feel so fragile right now, emotional as i have ever been, in so much pain (i feel like i am being stabbed constantly in the stomach) and barely anyone knows why - not even my mum. trying to keep it away from everyone at work is hell, i just feel like shouting out to everyone why i'm being like i am right now, so they'd stop looking at me in the way they are. i'm sick of the 'how were your two days off?' that people keep on asking. i can barely answer, "just great, i had an abortion on monday which killed the baby i've wanted for years but tuesday was great, i was drugged out of my eyesballs on codeine which had no fucking effect on the pain", can i??

my dad's told me he doesn't thin it's 'a good idea' for me to move over there and my gran's emailed me basically telling me to fucking grow up before i try to make my life choices. my life choices.
i'm totally fucking sick of things at the moment, as much as i put a smiling face on in front of everyone else. but how long does it take for the smile to fade away and for peopole to see what lies beneath?